I Get So Happy When I Hear That Really Great People Get Depressed!

I do! I feel hope! I feel absolved! I feel less lonely. I feel more normal. I feel encouraged! I feel more determined to do something about it.

Depression can be mental, chemical, physical, temporary, chronic, situational, or systemic. It is almost always experienced with shame and almost always results in isolation and loss--loss of connectivity, loss of time, loss of confidence.

I've had the blues my whole life. They don't dominate the landscape, but they are one of the consistent if not frequent topographical features. I have analyzed my blues many times. I think for the most part they come from empathy. I allow myself to, in fact cannot help myself from, feeling and experiencing everything very deeply. 

This brings me to now. Almost the middle of September. I've been fighting off depression. Some days I didn't fight at all, unless fighting means eating donuts and watching television and not doing the dishes and increasingly growing more despondent. 

A few things were at play here. I was coming off a pretty few amazing weeks with Fringe, and I had no artistic projects on the horizon. It's the second and third things which give me reason to think about this more deeply. I always get sad around my period. I'm 46, perhaps perimenopausal, which brings with it its own set of anxieties. I read about this phase, and deep depression is a common symptom. One site had a handy check list of Do You Feels?, and I had every one checked.  Finally, I always feel depressed in September. I don't know if it's a kickback leftover still-ingrained feeling from my youth when I hated to return to school, or if it's a deep awareness/sadness of the green giving away to brown, and things literally dying.

The first week of September might have been the worst one yet. I started to feel physical pain, no doubt brought on by cramps from the aforementioned phase. This depression had no immediately apparent cause. I've had depressions brought on by situational challenges, such as a break up or job loss. But this one just seemed to be hanging around without any probably cause, which added confusion to the mix. After work, I would come home a lay on my couch and not do anything, not even think or listen to music. 

My pets helped. My cat would lay on my tummy and purr because what other reason would a human lay down other than to offer a cat a comfortable place to repose, and how can purring not cheer you up, even a little? My dog would start to pace with a toy (or sock) in his mouth, which if he were a human, this would be the equivalent of pointing at his watch impatiently, indicating that the hour is getting rather late and we haven't had our walk yet. These things helped get me off my butt and out of my head at least a little.  

Okay, very little. I racked my brain trying to figure out the feeling. I did the usual guilt thing of realizing that I have every blessing in the world so why in the world would I waste time moping?

I ate too many donuts and watched too much Netflix. I let a book totally absorb me. I did some drawing and a little writing. I forced myself to do my Pilates (not every day, but a few days at least.) I called my mom. I started to feel better.

When I read that list, I think in a different frame of mind, those things would sound awesome, especially the eating of the all those donuts, which were disgusting and delicious.

I think I have the wrong idea about depression. I mean, why does it have to be so sad? So hopeless? So vexing? Could I not just do those nice quiet lazy activities with less worry and guilt? 

Just say, "Hey, you might be a bit depressed. There, there, now. Why don't you just find a good movie or book, some yummy junk food (Kroger has a particularly disgusting donut selection. Dunkin Donuts, on the other hand is not disgusting, as therefore, not very good), and let yourself relax and enjoy it a few days? Get some rest. Don't think. Give your body and mind a rest. Just do your Pilates and take your walks no matter what. Then you can go back to your book and donuts. And maybe don't let the dishes pile up. That's never good because it's just more work later, and what if someone pops in? And do pick up your clothes off the floor. So yes, be tidy, do your stretches, go to work, and then eat a little junk (maybe a lot, what the heck) and watch a little junk on TV (maybe a lot, what the heck?)."

I stumbled upon a blog by a freelance musician, and he talked pretty openly about depression and lack of motivation and the further compounding of the depression. He noted, like I did, that he still engaged in the things that you feel you *have* to do--i.e., work, exercise, but just didn't feel engaged with the world around him.

Maybe it's too much to always be engaging in the world. Maybe we need a rest. Maybe sometimes we should exercise half-assedly and say no to healthy salads to make room for donuts. I talked about donuts a lot for a reason, because I truly did eat seven donuts over the course of three days. Also, it's fun to  make fun of myself and to add a little levity to a serious mental condition.

But I did find that really great absorbing book, (Half Broke Horses by Jeanette Walls) and a few times, I put on some Joanie Mitchell albums and dim the lights, and I felt a little something stirring.

I don't think I'll ever get away from depression. I think it's just in my landscape, like that mountain lake that you come to when you're traveling. It's deep, it's blue, and it's cold, but it's also kind of beautiful. You stop to admire it but never really touch it. Okay, wait, depression might not be beautiful. I got ahead of myself there. Maybe it's not a mountain lake at all. Maybe if we write and draw and think and feel because we're too unmotivated to do anything else, maybe something beautiful can become of it. 

Could I just try to handle my depressions a little better, maybe even enjoy them a little?

You know--
watch TV and eat donuts and wash my dishes and exercise at least moderately or half-assedly

BUT also!
Find a great book, draw a little, write a little, and rock a little?

Then a few days later, maybe make a salad? Mop the floors? Go to a park? Plan a social outing with actual living humans? Watch TED instead of Netflix? Exercise with zeal? Put a an event on the horizon that requires you to be accountable?

Okay, I'm going to try that next month. I'm just going to enjoy my depression for a change and try to get more out of it and enjoy the donuts instead of feeling guilty about them. 

I'll let you know how that goes.

Here's a song I really love that came on Pandora when I was sitting on my couch watching my lava lamp wondering what the hell is wrong with me. 



After hearing this song, I felt even worse, wondering why the hell can't I write like that? I hope you feel the same way, because misery loves company!


My Stunning Mystery Companion
Jackson Browne

 

 

What with all my expectations long abandoned
And a future I no longer saw my hand in
How I found you is beyond my understanding
My stunning mystery companion

I know that you don't want to be
Out here forever on this road
Or live among the boxes
Where all my past lives have been stowed

Maybe, you're thinking of someplace
With a garden by the sea
Where we could slow down
And you could put a little more work in on me

What with all my expectations long abandoned
My solitary nature notwithstanding
You're the one who pulled me out of that crash landing
My stunning mystery companion

Right now I can't quite remember
The 'cause of all my tears
I hear you laughing and somehow
The past just disappears

Maybe you were joking when you said
You'd take me for ten years and no more
Maybe you've had the best of me
But you could take another ten years and be sure

What with all my expectations long abandoned
And a life that just gets more and more demanding
There's no doubt that you're the reason I'm still standing
My stunning mystery companion

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Songwriters
BROWNE, JACKSON

 

Proof of Life

I've been waiting to write until I feel my words can be beautiful or bold or at least surprising. I've had myself in handcuffs and internal fisticuffs. My heart never quite thawed this summer, keeping in step with the weather.

I was thrown off course and chose to stay lost, treading water rather than reading the stars.

I don't know why I did this.

But I'm going to start paddling again.

Some bad things happened this summer. I won't elaborate right now. I tried writing about them, and none of it sounded terrible, save the unexpected death of a loved one. I can't seem to write about that.

The summer is gone, and I felt a depression seeping in Sunday night, which could actually be a product of hormones, and which makes me think of my next stage of life, and how I won't miss this at all.

This weekend we tried doing nothing. The weather promised 80% chance of rain, perfect do-nothing weather. It threatened but never pulled the trigger, leaving us in a sort of a cloudy purgatory. The sun peaked out Sunday night, and out of nowhere, I put on my rollerblades and went zipping, and my mood was instantly elevated. It put me in a good frame of mind to gather up the good memories of the summer that never was.

It was a cold summer and mostly rainy. My aunt died in June, and I didn't quite recover. My job took over my life in June, July, and most of August, resulting in cancelled trips and working holidays and weekends. The trees I planted last summer died when the landscaper did a poor job of relocating them. My garden died after I treated with organic pest killer. Then a drug dealer moved in next door along with a dog that he seems to neglect and that barks all night. Calls to the cops, Animal Control, idiotic parties. Last summer I worked so hard to make this place my own, to grow my roots here, and I guess with all these things happening, I felt like I had lost.

I spent time with my aunt before she died. I got to say my goodbyes without using that word. Instead we shared laughter and memories. She asked for Cold Play "Paradise" to be played at her beach side memorial service.

Two trips to Michigan were cancelled due to work, but I finally got up for a weekend in August. I had my nieces spend the night with me at my mom's, and we had a great time. I took my mom out to dinner one night. One day I went to the beach and was eaten by voracious midge flies. And the other day it rained.

We went to a baseball game, a Fever game, a concert, symphony on the prairie (rained out), the state fair, Shades State Park, a long bike ride down the canal tow path and around downtown, a hike in Holliday Park, kayaking the white river, a wedding, and spent some lovely evenings on our respective decks, watching the hummingbirds. I went to a friend's play. I volunteered as a bartender for Longest Dinner for Fringe, and made a couple of new friends, and maybe the got the courage to finish the play I started earlier this year when some people got interested. We went to the Fringe Fest every night (a first), taking in over 25 shows. We had a great time at Fringe, even worked the beer tent. My show went great. But I kept thinking it could be the last one I do, so for that reason we had as much fun as possible. We planned a fall trip to Cape San Blas.

The summer flew by. I had only one of those special "moments," and it truly was just a moment, but it happened in the same spot it happened last year--the place I call Walnut Grove. It was nearly dark, just a few embers in the sky, but the fog came up off the grass and creek, and it totally swallowed me. That was my magical moment, and I can still picture it now.

I think these moments might be fewer and fewer and it might be because I have so many of them. I think that's a good thing. So many peaks.


I think it's important to document life and thoughts like this. To take photographs in your mind as well as your camera.

I think I have the courage to move on.

This was just priming the well.

I apologize to myself for staying under too long.

I also forgive myself.

The first step towards confidence is courage.

I read a really good article about being our awesomest selves.

I woke up Tuesday in pain. Pain in my heart, stomach, and brain. This pain was depression. It was physical.

I realized after reading this article that I have been treating happiness as a reward for achievement. I can be happy all the time for no reason whatsoever.

I'll talk more about this article.

Right now I have some things to do. And I'm pretty happy about that.