January Was Here

Happy 2016 to you and to me!

2016 has gotten off to a great start!

Ralf & Jim invited to us to a New Year's Eve Dinner and Reykjavik New Year's toast--celebrate New Year in Iceland time--9 pm, then wrap up at 10. It's everything I've ever wanted. Good friends. Dress up a little (boots and cute dress, of course). Great food. Elegant wine. Sparkling conversation. Warm fireplace. Christmas trees and Christmas music. Then home in bed in jammies by midnight! Unfortunately, Larry came down with a cold and didn't want to pass it along to the other guests, so he had to sit this one out. Sweetheart he is, however, wanted to drive me so that I could enjoy a little wine and get home safely. (This was 13 months into not drinking, and I was looking forward to some nice wine.)

Ralf & Jim promised just a quick, casual meal as they both had to work that day. Quick casual for them is of course six kinds of artisan cheeses that take 10 minutes each to explain, a beautiful harvest salad with apples and nuts, sweet sauerkraut, a beautiful pork roast, "piggy-figgies"--tender figs wrapped in locally sourced thick bacon, mashed potatoes, and a beautiful assortment of cookies, biscotti, and coffees, and of course the luscious wines and champagne.

I missed Larry but I had a wonderful time. I love small, semi-formal, friendly and festive affairs that start and end early. I love Ralf & Jim! Also in attendance was a fascinating woman from Jim's church who was the first female vice squad police officer in Indianapolis, starting back in the mid-1970s.

Ralf & Jim packed a to-go box for Larry, and were both regretful that he could not attend and appreciative that he chose not to infect them. He's polite that way. I just hate it when someone sick shows up to work or a an outing. They complain about seeing sick and then get you sick in the process. Leave your germs at home!

I was hosting a temporary roommate from India namedRavi, and things were going fine with that. Then he asked if his girlfriend could join, and I had misgivings and told him no, and he kept begging, and I kept demurring, and he begged again, and finally I agreed. Should have stuck with "no." They were a pain in the ass. She hogged the kitchen at all hours, sometimes making elaborate meals at 10 pm. They also complained a little. Then they asked to renew, and I said, "no." I was really happy the day they left! I think I even did a happy dance. At any rate, their short stay with me paid my mortgage and utilities for the month and made me appreciate my space and my kitchen.

I also had another short-term roommate from China who moved in January 1. She, however, is low maintenance. She is set to leave on Feb 11, but I hope she stays longer as this is very easy money for me.

On New Year's Eve I got a call from my firm that they were still waiting to hear if my project would be extended past January 21. As we spoke, I suddenly felt confident to ask for the raise I've been meaning to request for two years on now. I felt really happy that I asked. It seemed like a great way to end the year.

The first week of January, they called me back to inform me that my contract was extended much longer than the three months they expected, that my boss said I was doing a fantastic job and didn't want to lose me, and that my raise went through! I called Larry to tell him the wonderful news, and a few  hours later, I got a call from reception (Kim, one of two people who greet me everyday at the Office of Soulless Vacuums) that I had a delivery. He sent a beautiful bouquet! 

I wish I had known sooner that my boss held me in such high esteem. I think I still suffer boss PTSD from my previous job. By the way, I had dinner with one of my former colleagues who is still there, and she is not very happy. In fact, she was under such tremendous stress that she wound up in the hospital for two weeks with a heart condition. PTSD boss, who gave her the condition, didn't even go visit her. I am so glad I got out of there when I did even though at the time it really felt like a punch in the gut.

Anyway, I felt myself feeling better about my job and my work--both put a spring back in my step!

I also got to catch up with some friends early in the year--sushi with Dave, The Aristocrat with Andre, Indian food with Amanda, a play and dinner with Chrissy.

First weekend of January was Gift Card Redemption weekend! First up, Dance Kaleidoscope at the IRT--always entertaining, although this particular program was our least favorite. Next day was a massage at Woodhouse spa, complete with luxuriating in essential oils and fluffy robes. Then a little home furnishing shopping. Then dinner at Season's 52. Then a movie--we saw Creed, which was pretty good--no actually it was really good. Very spirit lifting. Then we saw my friend Tristan direct and star in a local play at IndyFringe theater. 

The next weekend I started another phase of my home improvement projects: my bedroom! I finally made good on a New Year's resolution from 2008 and painted! I had forgotten the trials and tribulations of trying to paint a 15-foot angled ceiling. It took all weekend but I had fun! I even rearranged the furniture and really like the new look. I'm still getting used to the smoky plum walls, but I love the accent walls--aquamarine. 

I went shopping the next week to dress up the walls and reinvent the space, using years-old giftcards. I think it will look great! Once I painted it, I realized that the furniture needed to lose the honey oak color and that the trim would also need to be repainted. Kind of a can of worms, but I'll take it one task at a time until it's done, and then it will be out of style, and I can start all over again.

We saw a friend in a play Becoming Dr. Ruth, which is a great piece on the life Dr. Ruth. Very moving and funny! We went out with Chrissy and some of her friends afterwards at Binkley's. The next night I surprised Larry with tickets to a comedy tour called Sick of Stupid Comedy Tour featuring intelligent, hilarious, and frustrated-with-Conservative-America Southern comedians--Stewart Huff (our friend, actually!), Cliff Cash, and Tom Simmons. It was our first time checking out Morty's Comedy Joint, and the show was hilarious! Just what I needed after a long weekend of painting and cleaning up paint.

The next weekend I decided to tackle the un-honey-oaking of my otherwise beautiful bedroom suite. I chose a white-wash style, which turned out to be harder than it looks, and wound up just painting white with some aquamarine accents. It now looks crisp and clean. And now I notice that the trim and light plate switches must also be updated from cream to white.

We also went to a play at the IRT called The Mystery of Irma Vep, which was really really stupid and was supposed to be but at least was well done stupid. People like Stupid. Theater was packed. 

I haven't done much reading this month, other than tons of magazines and tutorials on DIY projects. I guess that's still learning and reading--and I love it--but next month I really want to get into the great books that Larry got me for Christmas (Go Set a Watchman by Harper Lee, All the Light We Cannot See" by Anthony Doerr) plus all the titles waiting for me on my Kindle.

Things are going well for me. On days when I feel like I might want to be lazy or give into the doldrums or a bit of listlessness, I manage to go for a walk, make some good food, work on some projects, and work-out in my home gym. (I'm holding on to what I learned, Heather!) 

Itinerant without an Itinerary

I don't know how to be upbeat or hopeful at this moment. I don't even know how to be clever with words or how to spin something bad into something good to remind myself that it's all part of the journey. I'm too exhausted to get depressed, so I just feel nothing.

Not just exhausted. I'm a little fed up. Okay, maybe a lot. But that feeling doesn't last long either, because being fed up, which is funny when you spell out the actual words 'fed up,' presumes that you deserved something in the first place.

To be clear: it's not that I think that I don't deserve something good in life. And I certainly don't think I deserve something bad. 

It's this whole concept of "deserve." There's no karma. There's no Universe wanting to give us the things that would truly make us happy if only we ourselves could figure out what that is. 

I think life is rather impervious to what we deserve.
 
People, on the other hand, are not impervious or equitable or nonpartisan. No, people in fact do take part in creating inequality and taking away things that other people deserve. They have both the power and desire to do so, and often do.

Things like opportunities. Acceptance. Respect.

Jobs.

I'm getting better with the acceptance of life not being fair. 

Wait a minute. Who am I fooling? If I had in fact accepted this pith, I would not be feeling lousy right now. And I'm this close to just giving in and complaining. So I will. Maybe if we weren't having December weather in October. (Where are you when we need you, Global Warming?) I could at least be taking in sunshine and fresh air and letting nature do its job on my soul. But no, we have sleet and driving rain.

I'm climbing the walls, and it's only been 24 hours. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I could take this time and be productive like I was earlier this summer, back when I thought I had a future here and could make my house my home. It's too late for landscaping, and the weather is too shitty for road trips. 

Deep breath. Get a hold of myself. Come on. This is not the end of the world. Life is a lot more unfair to other people.



My whole adult life has been one of an itinerant. An itinerant what? Just that. 

noun

 --a person who alternates between working and wandering.


I never thought I'd get laid off this  year. I certainly never thought I'd get laid off twice. That'll teach me to not think.

I think I might have handled it better this spring. For one thing, I at least had a month's warning.  I had a huge adventure to Alaska and the long summer ahead of me. If I couldn't be working, at least I could be riding my bike and going to Michigan and traveling and working on my yard. 

In Alaska, I realized that I had to open myself to every possibility, and looking back, I don't know if I did or not. There's saying it, there's believing it, and there's doing it. I think I got as far as saying.

But then something unbelievable happened. The perfect job came along, and it was offered to me. It was so perfect, that I was actually reluctant to talk about to many people. I'm not the type who believes in jinxes, but I guess I had a little bit of "too good to be true" going on.

But I guess it's something. For one-quarter of 2013, I had a fantastic job.

The location, work, dress code, and salary made it not a dream job but a fantasy job.

The boss made it a nightmare.

For the last seven weeks of that job, the truth is, I could hardly sleep at night, and my weekends were plagued with doubts about my future and fear of future dealings with my boss. I wasn't the only one who was under this pressure. Last Friday, I actually left the office nearly in tears. Saturday I called a colleague who has had a similar experience, and for the first time, since I started, I accepted the very real possibility that I might have to leave to save my sanity and my physical health.

Tuesday I was laid off. I was shocked, and yet I wasn't shocked, and I was speechless. I took my check and my personal affects and I didn't even say goodbye to anyone because I just didn't see the point of exhibiting any humanity in such an inhumane place. 

But with this last blow came the loss of much more than financial security.

This job signified much more to me than a job. It turned out to be a terrible environment, but the work itself was the best I've ever done. It was the first time I ever knew what it felt like to have not just a career but a calling and a purpose.

Moreover, it represented the first time I ever felt at home here, like this was land I could finally claim as my own. Before I got this job, I never realized how much I approached life as a visitor. I didn't realize that the effects of it were detrimental, steeped in the notion that I don't belong.

The first thing I did when I got the job offer was plant trees in my yard. I still love that notion and what it meant. I was literally and metaphorically setting down roots, and the weight of the world seemed to be lifted from my shoulders. 

I never realized before that how important feeling at home is it to me. I always thought I had a gypsy soul. Okay, maybe my soul is that of a gypsy, but my heart want to nurture and be nurtured, and you can't do that when you're constantly on the move.

For the first time, I acted like this was my city. And how different I felt, feeling as if this were mine too.

But Tuesday, I admit, that was the first thing that left me. 

I can't deny how insecure and afraid I feel. Back to not belonging. "Back to the floor (that I love)."

And as ineloquent as it sounds, I feel like a loser.

Now that I've admitted it, I must move on from it.

Maybe the reason I was reluctant to talk about this new job and new found feeling of inclusion and hope, was because I doubted that such feelings should come from a job that was for the most part controlled by the whims of someone else.

I have to start saying, believing, and acting as if I will soon find suitable and rewarding employment, and I have to learn what it means to feel value outside of a career, which is a definition.

Can I live without being defined?

Honestly, no. And simply listing my positive traits feels a bit trite, hackneyed, bromidic, and banal.

I think I do have to work on some definitions and on my constitution.

My task will be harder this time.
 
Now I have a dead economy (thanks Congress for that shut down), and a long winter ahead of me.

But I'm back in the Great Wide Open. A Rebel Without a Clue.

I am a person who alternates between working and wandering.

This is not the journey I thought I'd be describing when I started this blog, but it's the journey I have, and I think I better pay closer attention to the details.

And for the record, world, life, Universe, whoever you are, in the unlikely event that you are not impervious, I could seriously use a blessing that is not in disguise.

**************

Moss and rolling stones and long, winding roads have always held my heart captive. But a different fire flickers when I walk on cold autumn nights, and happen to look into the warm glow windows of homes, wondering what it would feel like to belong somewhere. One foot on the platform and the other on the train. I can't leave but I can't stay. Help me forge a path. Yes, me, I'm looking at you. 

Somewhere, somehow, somebody must have kicked you around some.
Everybody's got to fight to be free.
See you don't have to live like a refugee.

This blog has been brought to you by Tom Petty with a little help from Stevie Nicks.