January's Newness Juice

January, despite the drudgery of its weather and shortened daylight hours, is for many a time of hope and renewal, no doubt based on the ridiculous resolutions that so many of us feel a compunction to verbalize. Resolutions notwithstanding, I often find that January is mentally one of my best months, even though, truth be told, I really don't make any changes whatsoever. I just *think* about the changes that I could effect in a brand new year with the end result being a *brand new me.* 

Just a few more days of this "clean slate" month, so I thought I'd check in my Plan for 2015 before my Newness juice runs out.

Learn my camera/Photo365
I have taken a whopping two photographs. One Sunday morning, the sun sparkled like tiny glinting diamonds on my wine bottle borders in my back yard, so I went outside to shoot the brilliance. Brilliance was not achieved. I could not capture that frosty-glinty beauty on film. 

I have a few books from the library that teach me to use my Canon Rebel. What I haven't done is read these books. I got a new computer over a year ago, one that has the OS and RAM to accommodate CD downloads. My camera came with three of these discs, and I finally downloaded them. Well one of them. Well, I couldn't figure out how exactly to download the contents. It pissed me off, so I decided to go do something else. It is bad that is it only January and I already am penciling in my first goal for 2016, which is to learn this camera. Wait. No, no, no! You bought the camera. You will learn that camera, damn you, damn me, damn it all.

Walk 1,000 miles 
I have walked maybe 2.5 miles. I absolutely hate taking walks without Primo, and I don't see that changing. I loved taking hikes and long walks with Primo everyday usually twice per day. Imagine discovering that the one thing you might love and need more than anything--long walks and long hikes--are no longer enjoyable to you and in fact are painful for you. I really don't know what to do. I really need to walk. I need to be doing this daily if for no other reason than to get adequate exercise.

I have considered getting a treadmill for my home gym, something I have scoffed at for years, because why the hell does anyone need a treadmill? Go outside you lazy asses. Am I a lazy ass? Not really. I just don't like going without my Primo. How could I have never realized that it was Primo, not walking, that I loved so much. It was our time together. And now I remember. Primo was such a good dog, so well behaved and predictable. I never made him "heel." I always let him walk out in front of me because he never pulled on the leash, and I never worried that he was trying to be the alpha. When we walked, I looked around and smelled the clean air, but more than anything, I just loved watching him trot. He'd hold his head really high, his ears erect, and he pranced so proudly, as if doing dressage. Now I'm all alone and it feels pointless and all I notice is my bland neighborhood and all the trash that overflowed from the trashcans when the trash pick up service decided not to pick up trash for two weeks--for no reason other than "it snowed." 

It feels like a loser thing to do--walk on a treadmill. But it's better than not walking. So what if I'd rather stay indoors and watch a movie or a TED talk while walking than walking alone outdoors bored to death? I don't have to actually tell anyone that I am a loser indoor walker. Okay, I might get a treadmill. I'm not a loser. I'm just lonely, so there, whoever's voice is in my head telling me that I'm coming up short by preferring indoors to out. I don't know who you are, in there, but GTFO. It's my life, and it's my legs getting flabby, not yours. You probably have the perfect body and you probably drink bizarre kale juice for breakfast and you're probably gluten-free and vegan or are trying out that caveman diet. Even if you did watch a dumb show, like Gilmour Girls, you would only talk about the latest TED talk you watched. Yeah, I know who you are. You're my bitchy wannabe alter-ego. Well listen here. I don't think you're me at all. I think you're pretentious. I don't have to listen to you. I'm going to walk on my treadmill and watch the Gilmour Girls on netflix and I'm going to do it in $5 clearance yoga pants from JC Penney that I have mended more than once when the crotch blew out in a Pilates class at my gym. 


Try 100 new recipes
I have tried only two, so I am really behind, but here they are:

White Chicken Chili
Maple Glazed Salmon

Read 20 books
I have started five books! But I have finished only one: The Wild Truth, by Carine McCandless, surviving sister of Christopher McCandless whose story of exile in the Alaskan wilderness was immortalized in the book Into the Wild by John Krakauer. Other books I have started but have not yet finished, but knowing my track record probably will not finish because once I pick up a new book while mid paragraph in another book, I rarely finish either. This is because I am a lying, cheating, two- and sometimes three-timing reading bitch. Other books include "Basketball Diaries," by Jim Carroll (I don't really like it. It's a bunch of punks who run the city streets stealing women's purses, little fucks), "The Falcon and the Snowman," "Gone Girl" "Unholy Ghost: Writers on Depression." 

Read Magazines 
I am actually keeping up with this one. I love Psychology Today and National Geographic and have found that much to my surprise I prefer reading something intelligent to reading something purely entertaining, such as typical women's magazines. Also, Oprah is a quality magazine, and I'm taking my treadmill approach to that one, too. The most successful woman, probably ever, has created a magazine to inspire people to become more effective. How could it not be good?

Don't Buy Any Clothes
I haven't purchased any clothing, but the truth is, I need some new shoes. I need new boring work attire shoes. 

Paint my bedroom
I have not painted it yet, but I have chosen the colors: Bunchberry and Pewter, by Behr, which is another way of saying Plum and Silver. 

Write more fluff blogs (for the sake of writing)
Well, I could do better at being fluffier. I could have easily written about some funny movies we've watched lately. The reason I would write about them at all is because comedies are so rarely funny that when one is funny, it's worth writing about. 

Buy all new brand new upscale stainless steel appliances for my newly updated kitchen, which I did all my myself!
This was not on my list, but I did just this, and I am proud of it. I spent the last week of December and the first part of January making cosmetic updates. I stained my cabinets Espresso. I painted my counter tops to resemble granite. (They actually resemble sidewalks on which autumn leaves have been trapped under snow and ice for months, and I like them! It's very me! No one else in the entire world has such a design!) I painted my pantry door red. I painted the walls white. I bought all new switch and outlet plates. I bought knobs and drawer pulls for my cabinets. (Builders from the 90s tried to pass of handle-less as a trendy trend when actually they are just cheap bastards.) All of a sudden my twenty-odd year old appliances in four different colors started to look really ratty. Well, they've looked ratty for awhile, but they worked (except the dishwasher. That hasn't worked in years), so I couldn't justify upgrading. Well, I decided that I work hard and save hard, and I deserve a nice kitchen with nice things, and man do I love it. I can't believe it's my kitchen. 

You would think that as part of my Photo365 that I would have taken Before During and After photos of all my work and the big transformation of my favorite room of the house, but no. Once I set my mind to task, nothing deters me. 

Working on and creating my new kitchen has been really good for me. The brand new appliances are symbolic more than anything. I'm someone who knows how to do without, that's for sure. And more times than not, I am compelled to not spend any extra cash flow. But when I do decide to spend it, it's usually on something really nice that brings me a lot of satisfaction. I walk in my kitchen, and I can't believe that's my kitchen--it's so nice. And I not only did all the work, I paid for it myself, and in cash! 

The worst thing I've done in a very long time, however, was install the hardware for the cabinets. It was a real bitch for real stupid reasons, mostly being that the builders could not use even measurements for length and width or use the same size drawers, and also that my drill broke, and also that I had to use a combination of five measuring rulers and tapes, and just thinking about what a pain in the ass it was is making me mad. Those knobs are never coming off!

Exercise
I come home from work and start immediately working on projects. My exercise routines fell off track but I got back on track yesterday

Watch Lots of TV!
Well, that has never been a goal of mine, but it's exactly what I've been doing, although, I'm not really watching TV. I'm listening to TV while doing projects that require both my hands and all my attention except my ears. I am finding it preferable to music because it holds more interest on a continuum of thoughts longer than hours of 3-minute songs can. When I finish my projects, I love to light the fire, put my feet up, grab a magazine, and then turn on some home improvement shows. Never in a million years would I think that I would allow myself such frivolity, but I like it. The TV helps me work diligently. I've been listening to Gilmour Girls, if you must know. Last night it was Brothers & Sisters, and man that is a dumb show. It somehow gets dumber every season. 


Being more in the moment
I've been working on this, and I will tell you a secret: Lorelei Gilmour, fictitious TV character of Gilmour Girls has been my guru. I'm working harder at making myself laugh, when I'm all by myself, by saying really ridiculous things to and about myself and life in general. I laugh even when I'm not that funny. I want to make more dumb jokes to actual people besides myself. This is what Lorelei would do. 

Get my ass back out there
I used to be lot more involved with my city. It was really fun. I don't regret that my life has become more home-focused, but I do make myself get out there and remember that I live in a nice place. This weekend we went to the IRT to see the drama "Good People" by David Lindsey-Abaire. This was definitely in our top five of all-time favorites. ("God of Carnage" by Yasmina Reza also stands out.) This was an incredibly complex play. We nearly missed it because of the stupid ass Monster Truck rally at Lucas Oil and the subsequent lack of parking. Other than this play, there were some flat out stupid events in downtown Indy this weekend. We happened to attend the single intelligent thing in the city that night. The theater was half empty because people prefer stupid things over intelligent, thoughtful things. 

So I've made some progress on new things but still have to work on some other things, like walking and reading fiction and doing my abs routines. I need to read more fiction to be more balanced. 

I need to get back on track with the TED talks. I have been listening to The Moth while I compile some tedious reports at work. I really liked this one, and you can listen here: Lucky Ladies. I want to start listening to a new show called Invisibilia on NPR, but I work for an asshole company and the servers block all streaming, which is quite assholish.  

I'm going to update curtains and rods in my house, paint all awful 90s plastic-y gold plated door handles and knobs with Rustoleum rather than replace them altogether, and replace those awful 90s Hollywood style dressing room lights in my bathroom, and maybe even the sinks. If I don't replace the sinks, I might learn how to do the cement overlay, which Pinterest pinners claim can be done for $20.  

I'm going to start with making some delicious new dishes with my wonderful new hybrid oven/convection oven.

And we need to make plans for our big trip this year, starting with "where." 

Every Creature Was Stirring, But Not Me

Courtyard at work, early December

Fog

Limited visibility (vision)

Monochromatic (monotone)

Cold (lack of energy)

Barren (lack of creativity)

Mother nature seems to be taking a cue from my soul, draping the great outdoors in a landscape that strongly resembles my inner-scape.

There is a sort of stark beauty in that picture, which is why, upon seeing it, I walked back to my office to grab my phone and went outside to take the pic. I used some Google photo tools to obscure the ugly "office park" and I-69 in the back ground. 

If there's something beautiful in that landscape then maybe there's something beautiful happening inside of me, even if all I can feel is pain or emptiness. That's doubtful. At any rate I haven't put my feelings down in a long while because the truth is I just haven't had many feelings, except a jagged-edge, low-grade dull pain, that sometimes turns into a crushing weight. But I'm keeping it together, keeping up the four pillars:

1. Be present and cheerful with Larry
2. Don't fuck up at work
3. Don't live in a pig sty
4. Exercise daily, no matter how half-assedly.

I have recently added a fifth pillar: Make plans with close friends. Once a week I try to meet with a close a friend for one-on-one face time in a quiet setting. 

I know that one of the reasons I felt so happy in Cape San Blas was because I was usually outside. Even when I was inside, telecommuting in the early morning hours for work, I had the windows open and could hear the birds, and could see the color of the room go from grey to pink as the sun started to rise. At that moment, I would hop on my bike and ride the length of the Cape. After lunch, it was straight to the beach, just a few feet out the back door, through the sea oats, and over the dune. In between was hiking and kayaking and more biking. 

I realized that being in nature is key to my well being. 

Since Primo died, and since we've been back, I rarely go outside. Other than the short walk from my car to the office, I'm just not out there, and again I ask, who wouldn't feel this way?

This climate sucks. Why do we live in such a stupid climate, which gets colder and rainier every year, and where we can spend maybe 1/3 of the year outdoors comfortably?

I know where all of this is coming from. 

Primo has been gone two months now, but I can still "see" him around the house--in his favorite corner when I'm reading on the couch, in the doorway to the kitchen when I'm cooking, watching for me to drop something. I can see him pacing as the night wares on, wanting his nightly constitutional. He was worth the cold and damp and snow. I remember braving near freezing temperatures and feeling invigorated. Those are such happy memories: Primo and I walking on snowy evenings, him on alert for any movement, walking tall, ears erect, his senses seemingly heightened in the darkness. And me, gazing thoughtfully at winter star constellations, the contour of snow blankets on tall pines, the absolute stillness except the crunching of icy snow beneath our feet. 

I'm making an effort at appearances and have attempted to meet up one-on-one with close friends on a weeknight for a nice dinner out. The other night I was out with friends, and while I enjoyed the company and the mere act of being out again, I noticed that not only did I have very little to offer the conversation, but that being put on the spot to offer my opinion made me feel uncomfortable and daft. The topic wasn't necessarily intellectual--it was movies and plays, subjects on which I remain woefully reprobate, and which I never feel the need to rectify.   When the conversation turned to a movie that ignited the passion of both of my friends, I watched as if I were an ethnographer: here are humans getting excited and spirited about something that seems very far removed from them...and yet it's not...must further research into this uniquely human enigma. 

But from a personal standpoint, I did enjoy their passion, and realized I couldn't remember the last time I felt the stirring of passion. I couldn't remember the last time I did something with gusto and didn't enjoy it merely on a superficial level.

Did I turn off my receptors or are my passions just exceedingly difficult to engage...or ...do they just have more esoteric permutations that have proved to be a mystery even to me? (On a side note, I have to keep asking myself how is it that I am in the avocation of creating and participating in theater and seem to have no appetite for theater? Could I care less about things happening in our theater community? I don't think so.)

The only things that seem to stir me are experiencing nature and some really good books. 

To my credit, I have been spending a lot more time reading lately. Lately, I literally closeg the back cover one book and open the cover of the next. Have you ever seen a chain smoker, crushing a butt into an ashtray with one hand and reaching for the pack with the other? I seem to be doing that, taking barely a moment to reflect on what I just read. I decided I'm going to give myself this one. I think about the words I'm reading whenever I put the book down to go to work or go to bed or do the dishes. I'm trying hard to fill a void, and it might as well be books. 

But I want my passions to stir again. Right now, being out in nature just isn't that enticing. Have you seen central Indiana in that season between fall and winter? I guess I could dream and scheme about the coming seasons. I sure don't love ice storms, but a snowy winter hike in a canyon is a beautiful thing, and yet I hate to wish for snow. I could at least look at the wonderful photographs of places I've been (Joshua Tree, Smokey Mountains, Alaska) and dream of the places we'll someday see: Acadia, Porcupine Mountains, Grand Canyon.

I think I need to get walking again. I used to walk 3-6 miles per day with Primo. I need to  myself do it again. I'm exercising in my home gym and that 's good, but I need some fresh air. 

And in the absence of having any profound or poetic passions, I think I am going to write here more, even if it's just a diary of what I did, read, or watched on Netflix.

I have to start stirring again.

Stir it Up, Bob!