Giving up the Ghost

Seven years ago I had to go to the unemployment agency, or "WorkOne" as it's called here in Indy. I was annoyed, agitated, angry, and deeply depressed. I don't belong here!  I'm not like these people! I looked around at the hopeless and hapless people and felt nothing for them other than a small measure of superiority. I only write that because it's true and not something I actually want to admit. I myself was projecting the very stigma on my counterparts that I loathed to be projected on me. 

If you've ever had the displeasure and humiliation of dealing with the nonsense of that bureaucracy, then you will understand how I happened to lose my mind that day. I cried so hard my nose bled.  I'm nearly positive that what I had could be classified as an emotional breakdown.  I remember feeling both severe pain and a sense of relief when I let it happen. My sobbing was like a symphony of many movements, mostly the violent brass kind that proclaims doom to be just outside the city fortress. Alcoholics would call a day like that their "bottom." I doubt I realized it, but after that episode, there was nowhere for me to go but up; and I up I went, knuckling my way out of a rocky crevasse.

I look back at that person, and I feel for her, but I don't feel like her anymore. It wasn't long ago that I looked at that version of myself and felt dread and regret. I look at her now, and while it's not quite sympathy I feel for her, I do feel forgiveness. I believe that particular incarnation of my self finally gave up the ghost. It's true: I walked around like a haunted soul for a few of my years on this earth.

Earlier this week, I was forced to make another visit to this dreaded office of humiliation and red tape. I was taking a twilight walk the night before, thinking about the upcoming non-work week, and I felt dread creeping in. I looked at the beautiful sky and inhaled the fresh crisp air, and I told dread, "Nothing to see here, folks."   

The next day, I set my alarm, I got dressed and off I went. I took a number. I took a seat. My number was called. I explained the issue I had, and. I was sent to the computer bank, even though I had already filled out all of the information on my home computer.

I looked around at the sea of frustrated and fearful faces, and I recognized their expressions, and instead of denying that I was one of them, I had a sudden need to help them. Most of them didn't understand how to fill out a profile. Most of them probably did not have a home computer. The person next to me raised her hand and waited for some assistance. I asked her if I could help. She was angry and rude, but at one point I got a look at her eyes, and I saw that former version of myself staring back at me. I walked her through the steps, told her it would be okay, that we're all here together in the Hotel California but that we will get out, and she relaxed.  She even smiled a little.

I am just like these people. They had jobs and were downsized or outsourced. They worked and were released through no fault of their own. Like me, they feel scared, humiliated, at times hopeless, and as if we're being judged and measured harshly, especially by ourselves.

To be honest, things have improved at WorkOne since my last visit. The associate who helped me was bright and confident, and truth be told,  slightly patronizing, and I don't know why, but it disarmed me and calmed me. She solved all the problems that were created by the computer program, which seemed to think that I was self-employed and was enjoying the payout of a pension (pension, pension, PENSION??? What is THAT?).

I was out of there in less than an hour.  And I didn't holler. And I didn't cry. And I didn't bleed. In a few weeks, I'll be getting a whopping $390/week. Don't worry, I won't spend it all in one place.

Perhaps I have improved, too. 
Goodbye, ghost.

"No Bad News" Patty Griffin

Hamlet and The Clash Walk into a Bar

All I do is think, all I come up with is nothing. 

Uncertainty 1, me 0.

I woke up today realizing that it's the first day of the rest of my life,
and I was filled with dread. 

Yes, everyday is the first day of everybody's rest of their lives. 

But some days it seems more so. MORE firster than say last Monday, when you woke up and had still had your job.

But today was the first day without my job.

I could have gone one of two ways.

Option 1:  "Yow-ow, Funemployment!" 

Option 2: "Yow-Ow! Foreclosure!" 

Hamlet might have asked "To Be or not To Be?"

The Clash might have ventured Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

Me, I'm always asking both questions. I expanded my search and applied for a job in Madison, Wisconsin, of all places.  I have never in my life even thought about Madison. It's Wisconsin, for God's Sake. Yes, I'm from MI and live in IN.

Wait a minute. What the heck am I making fun of?!

It's just that when you think of relocating, you don't think of doing so to the Midwest, especially when you already live in the Midwest.

However, as it turns out Madison is kind of a cool small 250,000 population kind of town. Liberal. College town. On a huge lake. Surrounded by state parks and forests. There are worse places to live. Maybe it's like a mini Minneapolis.

Oh wait, don't tell me that you don't know know that Minneapolis is a really cool city!

Well, it is!


My whole life, or rather for the past few years, I have had to make a concerted effort "To Be, Just Be," which I think negates the purpose of "Just Being." If you have to work that hard at it, you're not being, you're trying. 

And as far as staying or going, well, I am reminded of this dream I had as a kid. My brother Chuck and I were on this epic foot journey in a strange landscape. We came across this platform that was electrically charged. If you walked across it, you would get electrocuted. If you ran too fast, you wouldn't feel anything. But if you dashed, sprightly and lightly, you would feel mini lightning bolts at your soles, and the charge would create a field so that your feet never quite touched the ground. We stayed here a long time, running back and forth, laughing.

In real life we never did that. Run or laugh.

Maybe sometime I'll get into that. Maybe not.

You gotta step just right, at just the right pace, and you have to be agile to feel the real charge.

Agile. I do Pilates and sometimes yoga, but how agile am I when it comes to uncertainty?

Not at all.

What has made me believe that I am entitled to certainty?


"You keep walking around like the world owes you something just because you're here. You're going out the way that you was when you first come here..."

Respect Yourself

And then there's the sweet, peaceful Rodriguez, who actually has a different response:

"Cause they told me everybody gotta pay their dues, and I explained that I had overpaid them."

                                                                                          

It's true. I got up. I put this record on. I made some coffee. I made a plan.

My plan went like this.

Treat this like a vacation. You would never waste a day of vacation. You would never be sad when on vacation.

So today was my first day of summer vacation. The first thing I did was say to Despair, "Not now, I'm busy."

I detailed my car.

I have never done that. I got out the Murphy's Oil Soap. I got the Windex. I got my Dyson. 

My ride is tight and clean. And that ain't half bad.

Then I mowed my lawn. My crabtree is in full bloom, and the winds were scattering the white petals, like giant snowflakes on green grass.

Then I took my dog on a really long walk and I listened to some Replacements 

...Look me in the eye and tell me that I'm satisfied...

                                                                                

And some Patty Griffin

                                                                             

...different colored doorways, you thought would let you in one day....

And then I started packing.

For the first leg of a journey.

A journey in another place.

I've got a big journey ahead of me later this month, but I decided to start early and add a new leg.

I'm going camping tomorrow. To the hills and valleys of the Ohio River to Clifty Falls.

I got my tent, my sleeping bag, my Coleman stove, some marshmallows, a book, my camera, a notebook, my hiking shoes. And I'm leaving tomorrow, and the next day, birds will be my alarm clock.

I know nothing about this place.

An unplanned journey. 

Socrates was wrong.

The planned journey is unworth taking.

It's not famous. 

It might not even be spectacular.

It doesn't have to be.

I have to be.

See you in a few days.

I hope I don't recognize me.