A Lost Post: Cloak of Invisibility

Early November 2014, I jotted this down. It's not great, but I'm feeling strong enough to be vulnerable.



I never had a security blanket.
Too afraid my siblings would kick the crap out of me.
You grow up fast when you're the youngest.
If growing up means pretending not to be scared.
and never voicing what you want or taking what's yours
or not talking much at all
Just so they can't tell you No
You'd rather ask nothing and hear nothing
Nothing is better than no, you think
when you're the youngest
No is the worst word in the world
It means it's all true
That you're young, and little, and insignificant
And you don't want to believe it
Even though you do

It's easy to feel safe when you're the littlest
(safe not brave, completely opposite)
Always behind someone bigger
Invisible in their shadow
And invisible is beautiful
Only you can see you
And you see you beautiful
but you never show anyone what you see
in case they say No

Updrafting
Not so much walking in their shadows
as riding their momentum
Never knowing where you're going
Just glad to be there

To various early 1970s outdoor Wonderlands
The lowlands
The evergreens
The black road
The pricker thicket
The Eversole's carriage house
The deep forest floor

(They don't write Wonderlands like that anymore)

And one by one, we left.

I remember the first time I was out front
leading the lesser-initiated through the woods
one a city slicker, one a desert dweller

I could feel presence behind me
I could feel it like a magnetic field
not as seeing before me, sight unobstructed
but feeling people behind me
Where they could see me
Could they see what I felt
Inexperienced at being exposed
Exposure felt...
slightly electric
And powered me to claim my proper place

It took years and years. I didn't even notice the actual day

After years of being invisible
I finally felt invincible

Mixed Media

What I'm reading:

"The Blue Kind," by Katherine Born.

Never heard of this book. It was on the new arrivals shelf at the library.

I guess it's sort of sci-fi in that it takes place in the future, but it's about the characters and how they deal with their harsh circumstances, kind of like "How I Live Now," and "Cowboy Feng's Space Bar & Grill."

I'm loving this book. It unlocked a door in me. And I get to take drugs, sort of, I guess, something I never did much in life.

What I'm jamming:

The Vancouver scene, including Hannah Georgas.

I caught her concert last month. Brings back some of those sad detached melodies from the 80s alternative music, back when it was actually alternative.


What I'm digging:

Poet/Spoken Word author Shane Koyczan (thanks to my poetry loving friend!)

"Remember how we forgot?"


How I'm feeling (sometimes):

Daniel Johnston's "Devil Town" performed by Tony Lucca.

I was living in a devil town; didn't know it was a devil town; oh lord it really brings me down about the devil town. All my friends were vampires; didn't know they were vampires; turns out I was a vampire myself, in the devil town.

Really simple writing, powerful words, and great chords. It can happen.


What I'm writing:

A vignette tentatively called "Carly & Lonnie" for my bigger play, title TBA. A young girl visits her sister in rehab on Valentine's Day.

A poem or song tentatively themed "Falling out of Step." --with others, with myself. On purpose.


Where I'm going:

Alaska, British Columbia, Seattle late summer



Breaking the theme now. I've also been drawing and photographing but nothing worth posting here, at least not yet.

I am a work in progress.

And I'm happy. Not laughing non-stop. Still somewhat foggy. But knowing. Knowing is enough.