"Seriously?"

I "seriously" hate this stale crumb of slang, and especially how it is uttered. You have to sound like a total bitchy girl when you say it.

I hate almost all slang because it makes the speaker sound so desperate to fit in.

It's the Izod of Discourse.

"Really?" Is even worse! (spoken in the same tonal syllables as "seriously?")

Speaking of clothing fads and the desperate need to be accepted by people who have amazingly low standards of humanity, let's address the wearers of designer labels. No, I don't mean that [insert Big Designer to the Stars Name here] black little dress. I mean, a t-shirt bearing a name brand. It's not really designer clothing. It really is just a designer label. I mean an otherwise plain t-shirt proclaiming a brand name:  Aeropostale or Abercrombie & Finch or Nike (Swoosh).

Such a shirt screams, "Look. I'm wearing a shirt that has the name of expensive clothing or gear on it. This proves that I paid $46 for an $8 piece of clothing. Now you'll want to be seen with me because I know I have no redeeming qualities to bring to a friendship."

I came across the mother of all "(why the hell would you) Name-drop (this bourgeoisie brand) tshirts" when I was in Dicks the other day, shopping for tents. I hate Dicks by the way, (the store that is, no comment otherwise.) It is a huge store that is packed with merchandise but never has what you need, unless what you need is a choice of two $73 swim suits for lap swimming or $103 rubber sandals (or the red-head step child store brand for $89.)

Under Armour.

The t-shirt--not actually made out of the material that made its namesake famous and overpriced (you can get the same type of material, called "wicking,"  at Target for $9 instead of $43, only it doesn't say Under Armour on the tag, so it's up to you if you want to risk being seen sweating in non-designer clothing) proclaimed this:

Under Armour

Of all the stupid labels to flaunt--and it wasn't even made out of Under Amour (the secret ingredient in the material that hides your sweat, not the name brand)--something that is basically about pit stains.

Who would buy a tshirt that says Under Armour on it?

Why not ask Under Armour to make you a sandwich board and to pay you to walk around the gym rather than pay you them to wear the letters that spell their name on clothing that won't even wick away your pit stains? 

You're paying for Under Armour and you're not getting Under Armour. You are paying to still have pit stains. 

Would anyone wear a Tshirt that says, on the outside, "Fruit of the Loom?"

Why not wear other brand names on your shirt? Heinz. Johnson & Johnson. PayPal. Yeah, I'd hit those.


But, back to slang, which was the point of this post, here are some other popular slang terms I hate:

"Whaaaaaat?" How did it become cool to ask this simple question?

"I know, right?" Do you know or are you asking if you're right? It can't be both.

"Umm, yeah, no." Umm--uncertainty. Yeah--the affirmative.  No--the negative. All of these words contradict each other, so how they form one word together?  If the answer is no, just say no, or even Hell No. But please, white soccer mom with short straight highlighted hair wearing an NFL jersey in the color of pink and a diamond studded necklace of your favorite NFL team, don't  wave that finger and add extra syllables to the "Hell," jangling those charms on your Pandora bracelet.

"Hot Mess." I don't know what a hot mess is, but it sounds like freshly evacuated diarrhea that has splattered outside of the toilet onto the walls and floors, that SOMEONE is going to have to clean up.

"I So Want to Try This!" or "I think I will definitely have to do this." No explanation needed.

"Epic" when one means a lot. I have "epic" laundry. Did your dirty clothes ride steerage from Ireland during the potate famine then land in America and become filthy rich only to squander it all on women on wine and then mend its squandering ways and become a priest but then fall in love with a peasant woman and denounce its vows to God but ultimately found peace? No? Then you have a lot of laundry. Not epic laundry.

"Meta." I have to admit. I don't know what people are talking about when they say this. I work with metadata. I don't think this is what people are talking about. Truth is I hardly ever know what people are talking about, which is why I avoid stupid parties and Facebook.

"Totes." When I was growing up, this was a brand of gollashes and gloves often given at Christmas time, along with a Chia pet, to Geometry teachers and other people we didn't really know that well but sort of liked and wanted to express appreciation. Now it seems to mean "completely." I don't know why.

"Cray." Where I come from "cray" as in "cray fish" is what southerners call "craw dads." They are miniature fresh-water lobsters, who by the way, are super brazen. If your dog peers down at one to examine it more closely, it will literally stand on it it's hind legs/tail fringe-thingy and put up its dukes. One did this to Primo once when we were walking beside a river.

"Even." This word is used as a verb usually paired with an exasperation of how the speaker "cannot."



If you use these terms, and you are, like, older than 21, well....."Really? I can't even..."