Fake It Til You Make It

I'm working on a blog about my recent adventure to Washington, Alaska, and British Columbia, but it will be slow coming until I get a new computer that can read my new camera's software. I also left my travel journal on the plane so I lost all my notes about the trip. I've been trying to piece them back together, jotting down little memories, and already it's coming back to life for me! 

Sometimes I have to be reminded to remember the good stuff. I guess that's pretty easy when you're doing something spectacular in a beautiful setting. But when you come back from an adventure and uncertainty looms in a familiar place, you have to work harder at it. You have to remember to Journey in Place.

I came back not knowing if I'd stay here or move on. Moving on had its attraction: new job, new place--old house in the country or a downtown loft??--new people, new scenery, new opportunities. But I felt more trepidation than excitement: putting a house on the market, figuring out the ramifications of moving would have on my relationship, saying goodbye to some true friends, losing my connections with writers, theaters, and musicians. I realized I felt trepidation because I felt like I would running away from some things in life that have left me a little empty inside. 

I don't need to change my state of residence to leave behind the things that no longer fill me up. I have to believe that everything I need is right here; I just need the patience and wherewithal to find it. And I also need to focus on the good things I have here, which is basically the people in my life--the people who consciously choose to be in my life; the people who make time for me and look forward to seeing me. Those connections are strong and they took years to foster, and I think that walking away from them is akin to walking away from a fortune.

A few days after I returned from my trip, I slept til 12:30pm. Part exhaustion. Part depression. Partly based on the rainy weather. I felt dread when I woke up. I knew I was in trouble. I decided right then that I would treat every day of unemployment as a vacation day, meaning I would not waste, and I would not wallow. 

I determined to set aside the first four hours of everyday looking for jobs, combing every website, job board, and network affiliate I could find. I'd begin reaching out to people in my field to tell them I was looking for new opportunities. I would be positive about learning new skills and facing fears with optimism. I would take on risks and challenges. And I would spend the rest of my day doing something useful around my house and something fun. I would clean closets, drawers, rooms, file cabinets, and work on my yard. I would work-out and exercise. I would hike in familiar places and remember what I loved about them. I would hike in new places and find something new to love. I would take in all the city has to offer. And finally, I would I see my friends again, one by one if necessary.

I got up out of bed, didn't bother to put on clothes, and applied for a few positions. I wrote different versions of my resume and my cover letter and I updated my LinkedIn profile. Check One. I felt a little stronger. I mowed my lawn. Check Two. I retrieved all my patio furniture and lanterns and candles from the garage and set up my deck. Things were looking up a bit. Freshly mowed grass and patio full of inviting furniture made me think of the barbecues I would host this summer. Check Three. Since I was already dirty, I reluctantly took a bike ride--I say reluctant because I really didn't feel like it. I was still forcing myself. That's okay. But I promised myself I would enjoy the time, even if I had to fake it. The sun finally came out in the early evening, and the newly minted summer air was fresh and gentle. I gained momentum, watching the skies clear in my little rear view mirror. "Just six miles," I kept telling myself. But as my feet pedaled, my spirits rose, and I wound up going ten miles. I got home just as the sun was setting. My favorite time of day, next to dawn. My favorite scene: long orange rays (it's too early in the year for the rays to be golden), fully formed leaves on trees that were just buds the last time I rode through these parts, kids playing outside. People were coming home from work and had another day of work to look forward to, but I was on vacation! Check Four!

And this is how it started. A simple plan, a simple schedule, and a good old saying: Fake it Til You Make It.f

I revisited my list of things I wanted to do in 2013 that I wrote back in December. 

One of the items was go to a friend's Hemingway Party, which he throws every year on Hemingway's birthday in August. We read Hemingway stuff (he's actually not a favorite author of mine although I did visit his home in Key West and felt drawn to his persona), drink some whiskey, play some music. 

I don't know if I wrote about this but my friend died in early April, right about the time I found out I was losing my job and that some rather health complications came up after some routine physicals. My friend committed suicide. I was devastated. I will write about this later. But when I saw the Hemingway thing, I realized how important it was that I was salvaging every bit of my life and not wasting time feeling sorry for myself for the loss of a job and for some people who had moved on from me. I must let them go on their journey, and I must stick to mine.

I made a new list. My summer list.

• Read as many books as possible
• Watch "summer" movies
• Go to Michigan
• Visit as many state parks as possible
• Go camping again!
• Go to an Indian's Game
• Go to a canal concert
• Go to Symphony on the Prairie
• Host a barbecue
• Go to Shakespeare in the Park
• Go on long bike rides
• Call friends
• Write
• Cook new healthy and delicious meals
• Save money
• Work on yard
• Work on house 
• Listen to Moth radio hour
• Watch as many TED talks as possible
• Take care of my heart, mind, and body
• Heart: love people more
• Mind: commit to new ideas, new opportunities of positive expression, fill up on good things
• Body: run, pump, walk, cycle, work

The next day, I wrote emails to many friends, and soon my inbox was full of invitations, full of tentative dates of when we could meet and hang out. I sent random texts during the day to friends to stop by after work for Happy Hour on my deck. Many people took up my offer! I offered to take lunch to a good friend who recently moved back to town after losing her job. We talked openly about the emotional effects of unemployment and suddenly I felt understood. I made a delicious healthy lunch, which we ate on her patio, and we talked so long that other friends started showing up after work, and she made dinner for us. Check One. And so it began. Time with special people is the best thing in life. The next day a friend asked me to lunch. She even picked a place with a $5.99 lunch special. We talked so long and had so much fun that lunch turned into happy hour! 

And so it has continued.

I spend every weekend with Larry. We treat each day like a little holiday, even if it's just a short bike ride or cracking open some craft brews and playing corn hole.

I will find a new job. I might have to reinvent myself. I might move up in the career I've been building for ten years. I might walk away from it and find happiness working at a place like Trader Joe's or Starbucks and becoming a poor but happy hippie. I have to be open to anything. I have to redefine success. 

***Happiness does not come after success. It comes before it.***

And on the days I'm not feeling happy:
I'll Fake it Til I Make It!

I'm in a new place in my life. A place of potential change. 

I will journey in this new place and will be paid in memories.

Memories are my current currency!



Please enjoy this beautiful song by my good friends kRi n hettie!

Last year, kRi n hettie and I created a music/cabaret show for IndyFringe called "Sirens: Chasin' the Sun." It was a hit and everyone felt it here --> 

"Guest House"

Everyday
Every single day
Everyday is an opportunity
Everyday is an opportunity
There’s a lot of time spent everyday
Just tryin to keep your head up
Goin thru the motion constant as the ocean
And it’s easy to get fed up when the whole world
Looks dead up like a tv show im not on
And on a channel that I don’t get
Its hard to worry bout the butter when the breads spread thin
So much comin and goin its hard to pretend
Emotions come and go like a guesthouse
Rumi says “let em in love em let em go”
repeat
Cause everyday is an opportunity
To forgive myself
Everyday is an opportunity
To reinvent myself
Everyday is an opportunity
To fall in love with myself
Everyday everyday every every every everyday
Now this is something that I gotta work on everyday
It didn’t come easily or naturally
But when I focus on the light I can be just as bright as I wanna be
Ya know people will try and take my light if I let em
But I don’t let em
I don’t let em
I avoid swamps of haters swarms of alligators circling for a bite
Tryin to rid me of my light
Ya cant rid me of my light cant rid me of my light cant rid me of my light
What you get is what you see the real face of me
Watchin what I think like I watch what I see
Real life reality tv
Real life reality tv
Real life reality tv
Cause every thought that I have every word that I speak every secret I tell
Every promise I keep is a reflection of me
And that’s all you can see
chorus
Bridge:
Cause every thought that I have
Every word that I speak
Every secret I tell
Every promise I keep
Cause every thought that I have
Every word that I speak
Every secret I tell
Every promise I keep
Is a reflection of me all that you can see is a reflection of me
All that you can see is a reflection of me all that you can see is a reflection of me
All that you can see
Cause every day is an opportunity to forgive myself
Everyday is an opportunity to reinvent myself
Everyday is an opportunity to fall in love with myself
Everyday every day every every every everyday
Everyday every day every day every day.
This song and lyrics are created by hettie mays and kri martin.