Nature--there's a whole lot of yapping about the snow that will be coming our way today. When I was growing up, it was called Winter. Now it's called a Snow Emergency. Some are calling it Snowmageddon. I call it beautiful.
I lulled myself to sleep last night my imagining I was in a cabin deep in the woods, stocked with provisions, warm clothes, stacks of books, and plenty of wood. I pictured each tiny cozy room: the kitchen with the dried herbs hanging from the ceiling, the dining room with the fireplace, the library, and a bedroom in the loft with thick rugs on the floor and down comforters on the huge bed. Of course there is a hot tub on deck. I dream right.
I think about the amount of time I spend worrying throughout the day and how those thoughts follow me into my dreams. What if I gave myself an awake dream every night? I think I underutilize my imagination. I guess I'm a doer, not a dreamer. But is fantasizing about things really so dangerous? I'm thinking no, because I actually have a happy memory of that little fantasy I created last night. Before I drift off and go to sleep, I'm going to visit my dreamscape every night. This will let me travel everyday of my life.
The truth is, there is lots of truth in our fantasies, truth about what we really want, and yes, I really do want that writer's winter cabin someday. I'll have a dog or two and a cat or two. The cats will keep me warm; the dogs will keep me company on my long hikes into the towering silent forests.
But what else can dream for myself? It's the time of year when we all seem to want better for and from ourselves. But what do I do besides say "do more of this," and "do less than that?" Do I ever see the end result? I looked at my "Mix Tape of Things To Do in 2013" and did very few of them.
Actually, looking at them now, I realize I did quite a few of them.
Twenty-Thirteen
Side A Side B
Swim Plant
Bike Purge
RunStrum
Walk Sing
Dance Audition
Ice Skate Invite
Rollerblade Photograph
SledRecord
Ski Draw
Side A Side B
Swim Plant
Bike Purge
Run
Walk
Dance Audition
Rollerblade Photograph
Sled
Twenty-Thirteen Also Do the Following:
- Read more amazing books
- Go to more music events and write reviews for them in that other blog
- Go camping more often
Attempt to walk to and from work when the weather gets warm just for the heck of it. (It's 14 miles each way.)Plant a gardenSee Lucinda Williams in concertGo to that indie music fest in Wisconsin and do the Woodstock thingBe super sneaky and happen to be biking near a certain big venue when big ticket names are here and just happen to have beer and food in my backpack- Have more dinner parties
- Give more gifts to unsuspecting people
- Have my nieces and nephews down for a weekend
Go to my friend's Hemingway party, which I miss every yearWrite my first song- Bake holiday goodies for neighbors. (I bought all the ingredients today.)
Host that performance party I've been talking about for a year- Get back on stage as an actress
- Get to know my acquaintances better and turn them into friends
- Cook new, delicious dishes
- Take weekend road trips to nearby places
Buy some cowboy boots- Take a photo everyday
There were some items that were impossible to do, as in L.W. wasn't performing near Indy, and I invited the kids down but rain was predicted all weekend so we postponed. I wound up hosting a slumber party for the girls at my parents' house over Thanksgiving.
One of them made me pretty sad--"go to Jascha's Hemingway Party." Jascha killed himself the first week of April. In September of 2012, it was looking bad for Jascha, and we rallied. I did that thing you're supposed to do with people in his state of mind: tell them the truth about the immeasurable joy they have brought you. I told him about the time when he sorta saved me. I sent him the poem I wrote the night he saved me, and it meant something to him. The week he killed himself, Jill, the most beautiful soul I've ever known, had posted some pictures of him, all smiles. None of us will ever know what happened that night. I went through an anger phase, right after the shock phase. There was only one Jascha. How could he do this? Our other mutual friends have given him more grace than I have, and I need to do the same. I just can't believe that he's gone, that he won't make any more music, won't tell me any more stories, won't flash me his special smile ever again.
I did other things that weren't on the list: went to Alaska. Wrote a book. Started a new career. Bought a real camera (which I still use only in auto settings--shame on me.).I didn't sneak into any concerts at White River like I'd hoped to do. I didn't buy cowboy boots. I didn't go to that music festival in Wisconsin, but I tried! I didn't write a song. I didn't get better at guitar.
I leave myself no choice but to make good on these promises in 2014.
It is now January 6. I am hard at work on a biography of Queen Latifah, to be published alongside my book on Sheryl Sandberg.
You see, I wrote a book and started another, and I need to dwell on that, so please leave me this celebratory moment. It's not exciting to anyone but me, and that's okay since it's my life I'm living here.
I was recently offered a new job. Not just a new job, but a new career. I'm at it again. I'm hoping and planning my success. I'm super happy right now. It's a grown up's job, not something you dream about as a kid, and that's okay since I'm a grown up and need grown up things, such as a good salary.
I had an interview on New Year's Eve and worried I was too cheerful to be believable. I guess cheerful is what they were looking for, because as it was relayed to me, they cancelled all other interviews after mine.
I'm going to be a business analyst. Doesn't that sound boring? I don't care! I've always had a plan! My plan is a good one, I think! Work hard, do good work, earn good money, and then enjoy your time off and the money you've earned! My goal now is to work this high-octane job until age 55, and write books in meantime, then quit this high octane job that doesn't fill my soul but fulfills a purpose and become a full time writer. In between, invest as much as possible, then live off proceeds from books and dividends. This is not a shabby plan. And besides that, it's good for me to go to work, to cross hands with many people, to get dressed up and go and be on and be an asset. It's good for me, and I plan to be good for my organization. I get to stay with my previous company and keep all my seniority, which means 31 PTO days and already being fully vested in my 401k.
I have ten more years of office work ahead of me. I can do this. It will me keep me young and fighting. When I become a full time writer, I can come and go as I please, and can even work out of a camper on some BLM (Bureau of Land Management) encampment outside the Grand Canyon. I can live on carrots and peanut butter and sunsets and sunrises and love. I can do that.
But right now, I'm in 2014, not 2024, and I've got some living to do with this life. I'm stuck here for awhile, and I've got plans to make it worth my while. I've got love and I've got a few people who still call me friend.
2014, here's what I'd like to see happen.
One of them made me pretty sad--"go to Jascha's Hemingway Party." Jascha killed himself the first week of April. In September of 2012, it was looking bad for Jascha, and we rallied. I did that thing you're supposed to do with people in his state of mind: tell them the truth about the immeasurable joy they have brought you. I told him about the time when he sorta saved me. I sent him the poem I wrote the night he saved me, and it meant something to him. The week he killed himself, Jill, the most beautiful soul I've ever known, had posted some pictures of him, all smiles. None of us will ever know what happened that night. I went through an anger phase, right after the shock phase. There was only one Jascha. How could he do this? Our other mutual friends have given him more grace than I have, and I need to do the same. I just can't believe that he's gone, that he won't make any more music, won't tell me any more stories, won't flash me his special smile ever again.
I did other things that weren't on the list: went to Alaska. Wrote a book. Started a new career. Bought a real camera (which I still use only in auto settings--shame on me.).I didn't sneak into any concerts at White River like I'd hoped to do. I didn't buy cowboy boots. I didn't go to that music festival in Wisconsin, but I tried! I didn't write a song. I didn't get better at guitar.
I leave myself no choice but to make good on these promises in 2014.
It is now January 6. I am hard at work on a biography of Queen Latifah, to be published alongside my book on Sheryl Sandberg.
You see, I wrote a book and started another, and I need to dwell on that, so please leave me this celebratory moment. It's not exciting to anyone but me, and that's okay since it's my life I'm living here.
I was recently offered a new job. Not just a new job, but a new career. I'm at it again. I'm hoping and planning my success. I'm super happy right now. It's a grown up's job, not something you dream about as a kid, and that's okay since I'm a grown up and need grown up things, such as a good salary.
I had an interview on New Year's Eve and worried I was too cheerful to be believable. I guess cheerful is what they were looking for, because as it was relayed to me, they cancelled all other interviews after mine.
I'm going to be a business analyst. Doesn't that sound boring? I don't care! I've always had a plan! My plan is a good one, I think! Work hard, do good work, earn good money, and then enjoy your time off and the money you've earned! My goal now is to work this high-octane job until age 55, and write books in meantime, then quit this high octane job that doesn't fill my soul but fulfills a purpose and become a full time writer. In between, invest as much as possible, then live off proceeds from books and dividends. This is not a shabby plan. And besides that, it's good for me to go to work, to cross hands with many people, to get dressed up and go and be on and be an asset. It's good for me, and I plan to be good for my organization. I get to stay with my previous company and keep all my seniority, which means 31 PTO days and already being fully vested in my 401k.
I have ten more years of office work ahead of me. I can do this. It will me keep me young and fighting. When I become a full time writer, I can come and go as I please, and can even work out of a camper on some BLM (Bureau of Land Management) encampment outside the Grand Canyon. I can live on carrots and peanut butter and sunsets and sunrises and love. I can do that.
But right now, I'm in 2014, not 2024, and I've got some living to do with this life. I'm stuck here for awhile, and I've got plans to make it worth my while. I've got love and I've got a few people who still call me friend.
2014, here's what I'd like to see happen.
- Learn my camera! Take awesome pictures!
- See lots of local professional theater
- Hear lots of symphony
- Go to an opera
- Cook delectable new dishes
- Have massages
- Host dinner parties
- Work on my shabby chic urban prairie projects
- Ride my bike across Mackinac Bridge with my love
- Laugh with my nieces and nephes
- Paint my kitchen cabinets
- Plant a garden
- Strum
- Sing
- Dance
- Ski
- Ice Skate
- Travel
- Read amazing books
- Write good books
- Write a fantasic play
- Let go of all that shit
- Learn new shit
This is the nature of a sistah.
It's almost time for bed, and it's time for me to plan my dream fantasy. Where will I go tonight? I see myself back in that cabin. I see myself happy and cozy and creating.
.
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