I Dropped Out

Over a month ago, I left Facebook to avoid nonstop political commentary, which left me frustrated. 

I've left FB many times for various reasons--usually because I spend too much energy on what other people are doing or wondering how and if they validate me. I go back on after several months, and then I get overwhelmed and leave again. 

I also went on a no media diet at the same time--no radio, no newspapers, no TV news. I am completely out-of-the-loop on current events. 

Current events from last year until November '16 = presidential candidates calling each other liars.
Murders
Rapes
Abductions
Government corruption
Government interference:

I am aware that Pence has YET AGAIN stripped Hoosiers of rights, but this time he's after women of child-bearing age.

I don't even listen to NPR anymore. I listen to books on CD. So far:

Gangsta by Kw'aan (3 out of 5 stars)
Under Magnolia by Frances Keyes (2 out of 5 stars--quit listening on account of it being tedious)
Life Sentences by Laura Lipman (current rating: 4 out of 5 stars)

I'm happier as a drop out. I felt largely incapable of changing anything that was happening in the media. I can vote, and I will. But having all that knowledge and no power to change anything left me feeling frustrated and often angry. I have decided to eliminate those two sources of those two emotions.

A New Name! This Lady is a TRAMP!

My blog needs a new name.

When I started it four years ago, "Journey" was not a buzzword and not a popular name of Gen Y-er's kids. (The "Ashley" of the TwoThousandTeens) So I've changed my name to Trip. (It was short notice. I could change it again.)

I really like Journey In Place. I came up with the name and the idea, and I still live by it. (On days I remember to live. What? Some days I go into AutoPilot. Shame on me.) But I sound like a damn wannabe with this name Journey. I sound like I read cute little helpful watered-down inspirational books available at Wal-Mart. I do not read cute little inspirational books! I hate cute inspiration!

To be completely honest, though, I don't always 100% hate Wal-Mart, so there. Sometimes the place is damn handy, especially late at night when I need emergency frijoles negros, wiper blades, a phone charger, and a cute hoodie on clearance for $5.

So...new name? Brainstorming...

Earth Tripper

Earth to Me

How To...(Fill in the Blank)

Station Wagon Kid (I'm not a kid)

Stories from the Station Wagon (I don't actually have a station wagon.)


So I types "Journey" into Thesaurus.com (a writer's favorite website), and I find the gem--

VAGABONDAGE!!!!!

I've heard of Vagabond.

But truth be told, I've never heard of VagabondAGE!

It is the most contradictory word I've ever seen--one part meaning transient and one part meaning stuck!

Vagabond:

adjective

1.

wandering from place to place without any settled home; nomadic:

a vagabond tribe.

2.

leading an unsettled or carefree life.

3.

disreputable; worthless; shiftless.

4.

of, relating to, or characteristic of a vagabond:

vagabond habits.

5.

having an uncertain or irregular course or direction:

a vagabond voyage.

I am sort of aimless, truth be told.

I don't know where I'm going.

(Must not follow up with Whitesnake lyric, "But I do know where I've been...")

I am MOST CERTAINLY UNCERTAIN MOST OF THE TIME.

Irregular. Yes.
Unsettled. Hmm. Sort of.
I started this blog as a means to help myself feel more settled.
Carefree. Well to some people I probably seem carefree because I do not have children. But I care, people! I care! About Stuff! All Kinds of it!

Okay, Definition 3, I really don't need your judgement! But, hell. Why lie? Who here actually knows me? Might as well tell the truth. I have at one time or another in minute degrees been or felt   "disreputable," "worthless," and "shiftless."


Here's another doozy of a word to describe this whole business! Oh words, I love you so!

Peregrination!

noun

1.

travel from one place to another, especially on foot.

2.

a course of travel; journey.

Is it the opposite of Origination?



A synonym is to vagabond is

TRAMP.

I like Tramp.

It can be a noun or a verb.

I like it when one word can be both.

I like the verb:

3.

to walk steadily; march; trudge.

I like TRAMP as a name.

But so would some UNSAVORY types.

So Trip it is.

It works.

I take trips.
What a trip.
As a verb, I trip a lot, literally and metaphorically.

(Must not follow up with lyric by mid-nineties song by band whose name I never bothered to learn that goes "but I get up again, you ain't never gonna keep me down." Oh wait. I don't often GET knocked down. I more often do that to myself. I trip. I'm a tripper. A Day Tripper.

Day By Day Tripping with the Tramp

No, wait!

It's not TRIP anymore.

It's now Peregrine!

A Lost Post: Cloak of Invisibility

Early November 2014, I jotted this down. It's not great, but I'm feeling strong enough to be vulnerable.



I never had a security blanket.
Too afraid my siblings would kick the crap out of me.
You grow up fast when you're the youngest.
If growing up means pretending not to be scared.
and never voicing what you want or taking what's yours
or not talking much at all
Just so they can't tell you No
You'd rather ask nothing and hear nothing
Nothing is better than no, you think
when you're the youngest
No is the worst word in the world
It means it's all true
That you're young, and little, and insignificant
And you don't want to believe it
Even though you do

It's easy to feel safe when you're the littlest
(safe not brave, completely opposite)
Always behind someone bigger
Invisible in their shadow
And invisible is beautiful
Only you can see you
And you see you beautiful
but you never show anyone what you see
in case they say No

Updrafting
Not so much walking in their shadows
as riding their momentum
Never knowing where you're going
Just glad to be there

To various early 1970s outdoor Wonderlands
The lowlands
The evergreens
The black road
The pricker thicket
The Eversole's carriage house
The deep forest floor

(They don't write Wonderlands like that anymore)

And one by one, we left.

I remember the first time I was out front
leading the lesser-initiated through the woods
one a city slicker, one a desert dweller

I could feel presence behind me
I could feel it like a magnetic field
not as seeing before me, sight unobstructed
but feeling people behind me
Where they could see me
Could they see what I felt
Inexperienced at being exposed
Exposure felt...
slightly electric
And powered me to claim my proper place

It took years and years. I didn't even notice the actual day

After years of being invisible
I finally felt invincible

Input (Not) Required

I finally have a follower after 3-1/2 years blogging, but that's what I get for being so last decade and for not ever publicly announcing that I have a blog. Hi, my follower! (You know who you are!) I am still following your blog, but I had to change my setting to anonymous because I tend to be private with my thoughts, which is why I blog on a public site. Makes sense, huh?

I just felt like writing tonight for no particular reason other than my friend has been doing just that. Opening up. Brushing out the cobwebs. Seeing what's inside. Like me, she left Facebook when interactions with and observations of others began to drain her more than inspire her. A blog gave me more anonymity and therefore let me feel more vulnerable and perhaps more honest. Doing it publicly (anonymously since I don't tell anyone this blog exists), reminds me to write with purpose and not be self-indulgent or throw pity parties when I'm feeling down, or at least to use metaphors and creativity when I am so that the wallowing serves some purpose.

I like feeling vulnerable. Hold it. Check yourself. I like feeling vulnerable when I know I can be safe. Sounds like "someone" around here needs to check the definition of "vulnerable!" Yes, I am full of contradictions tonight. But wouldn't we all like a place where we can just be ourselves outside the comfort of our own living room. (The tragic revelation here, of course, is that we can be ourselves anywhere we go. We just choose not to do so, maybe for a good reason, or maybe because we simply do not feel safe being that vulnerable in the presence of others.)

I've kind of neglected my blog the past few months. I actually do think it's useful for a writer to keep a journal, no matter if the entries are thoughtful explorations, desperate outpourings, or simply a recounting of how a day was spent. Well, actual famous published writers probably do not have time for this indulgence, but people who just love the feel and sound of keys clicking beneath our finger tips believe such an indulgence is a pleasant and at times helpful diversion.

Click, click, clickity clack! I love it! 

Sometimes I don't write because I think no one will be interested, but then that is part of vulnerability--taking a risk. That really is a low-level risk, isn't it? "So and so wrote a blog about her day that wasn't very interesting!" The truth of it is that we just can't always register high on people's priority lists.

But can we feel secure knowing that sometimes we won't? For someone who has spent a lot of time giving her self-esteem a major overhaul, this may sound like yet another contradiction, but I think I am on to something here. Isn't a relief to not worry that you might not always be the most important thing to others? I mean, at least you wouldn't have to get over shock of realizing that. 

As I write this, I am actually working. It's the middle of the night, and I'm on a conference call with India. It's a Friday night/Saturday morning. We started at 11:15 Friday night, and it's now 1:15 Saturday morning. I have spoken maybe 30 words. I have nothing to offer in this meeting, yet I am required to be here.  Sometimes my input really matters. Sometimes it doesn't. I've learned to not let that be a personal indictment.

But as it pertains to my life, my input is required! Here is one of the places I can specifically track my input. Over the last several months, I've ignored this blog, which is supposed to be a log of my input, on a fairly regular basis because I felt I didn't have anything very interesting to say. So what if it's not interesting to other people that I spent a Friday night perfecting a Cuban sandwich or that I experienced incredible weather swings of winter clouds, spring storms, and summer sunshine inside an hour on Sunday while out riding my bike! I want to remember my input and to keep it in check. I want to see what's inside here even when I feel empty. I almost always learn that I am not empty at all, only muddled. Output requires my input! Let's clean up this messy brain! Let's work those metaphor muscles! Sweat!

Leap Year! Extra Day!

I woke up thinking that I should make this day special, even though it's a Monday following a really fun weekend, and I have to commute and work all day.

I thought about coming to the end of my life, and someone handing me a brand new day at this point in time, when I'm young and healthy and almost always in a good mood.

If I didn't have to work, how would I spend such a day? I'd spend it camping somewhere in the deep forest, maybe in Maine, surrounded by hills and valleys and sounds and smells. I'd get up early, get that strong coffee going on my little stove, eat some doughnuts (why not?), braid my hair, get dressed, and grab my camera and pack and hit some trails with Larry. We'd picnic somewhere sunny, eating all kinds of good and bad-for-you foods. We'd come back late afternoon, and we'd change into swim gear and take a dive in the lake or a waterfall. Then we'd get cleaned up and drive into town to eat at a burger joint or lobster pound. Sometime between eating and driving, we'd catch a sunset! Then we'd come back to the camp and have a fire and s'mores. Then we'd take a walk to a clearing, lay down a blanket and do some stargazing. Then we'd go to bed and read til we fell fast asleep.

But like I said, this is Monday, in February, in Indiana, and I have to work.

Well, then, I will keep my thoughts pleasant and positive. I'll do my work and leave some time for daydreaming. I daydreamed about our next vacation. I think it's going to be Glacier 2.0. I felt worn out after our Glacier trip fell through last year, and I've been thinking I just want to sit on a beach and have someone bring me food and drink. But. I know better than that. I know that we need to get back out to Wild, U.S.A. I looked up a few places, and I think this time we will not plan on camping. We'll rent houses or cabins. It will be a lot more expensive, but it will allow us to go in September, when the crowds will significantly thin. 

Tonight, I'll get home and take a long walk. Then I'll make a nice dinner--I'm thinking falafel and couscous sounds good. Then I'll work out. Then I'll read in bed. 

I am jumping for joy over this leap year!

January Was Here

Happy 2016 to you and to me!

2016 has gotten off to a great start!

Ralf & Jim invited to us to a New Year's Eve Dinner and Reykjavik New Year's toast--celebrate New Year in Iceland time--9 pm, then wrap up at 10. It's everything I've ever wanted. Good friends. Dress up a little (boots and cute dress, of course). Great food. Elegant wine. Sparkling conversation. Warm fireplace. Christmas trees and Christmas music. Then home in bed in jammies by midnight! Unfortunately, Larry came down with a cold and didn't want to pass it along to the other guests, so he had to sit this one out. Sweetheart he is, however, wanted to drive me so that I could enjoy a little wine and get home safely. (This was 13 months into not drinking, and I was looking forward to some nice wine.)

Ralf & Jim promised just a quick, casual meal as they both had to work that day. Quick casual for them is of course six kinds of artisan cheeses that take 10 minutes each to explain, a beautiful harvest salad with apples and nuts, sweet sauerkraut, a beautiful pork roast, "piggy-figgies"--tender figs wrapped in locally sourced thick bacon, mashed potatoes, and a beautiful assortment of cookies, biscotti, and coffees, and of course the luscious wines and champagne.

I missed Larry but I had a wonderful time. I love small, semi-formal, friendly and festive affairs that start and end early. I love Ralf & Jim! Also in attendance was a fascinating woman from Jim's church who was the first female vice squad police officer in Indianapolis, starting back in the mid-1970s.

Ralf & Jim packed a to-go box for Larry, and were both regretful that he could not attend and appreciative that he chose not to infect them. He's polite that way. I just hate it when someone sick shows up to work or a an outing. They complain about seeing sick and then get you sick in the process. Leave your germs at home!

I was hosting a temporary roommate from India namedRavi, and things were going fine with that. Then he asked if his girlfriend could join, and I had misgivings and told him no, and he kept begging, and I kept demurring, and he begged again, and finally I agreed. Should have stuck with "no." They were a pain in the ass. She hogged the kitchen at all hours, sometimes making elaborate meals at 10 pm. They also complained a little. Then they asked to renew, and I said, "no." I was really happy the day they left! I think I even did a happy dance. At any rate, their short stay with me paid my mortgage and utilities for the month and made me appreciate my space and my kitchen.

I also had another short-term roommate from China who moved in January 1. She, however, is low maintenance. She is set to leave on Feb 11, but I hope she stays longer as this is very easy money for me.

On New Year's Eve I got a call from my firm that they were still waiting to hear if my project would be extended past January 21. As we spoke, I suddenly felt confident to ask for the raise I've been meaning to request for two years on now. I felt really happy that I asked. It seemed like a great way to end the year.

The first week of January, they called me back to inform me that my contract was extended much longer than the three months they expected, that my boss said I was doing a fantastic job and didn't want to lose me, and that my raise went through! I called Larry to tell him the wonderful news, and a few  hours later, I got a call from reception (Kim, one of two people who greet me everyday at the Office of Soulless Vacuums) that I had a delivery. He sent a beautiful bouquet! 

I wish I had known sooner that my boss held me in such high esteem. I think I still suffer boss PTSD from my previous job. By the way, I had dinner with one of my former colleagues who is still there, and she is not very happy. In fact, she was under such tremendous stress that she wound up in the hospital for two weeks with a heart condition. PTSD boss, who gave her the condition, didn't even go visit her. I am so glad I got out of there when I did even though at the time it really felt like a punch in the gut.

Anyway, I felt myself feeling better about my job and my work--both put a spring back in my step!

I also got to catch up with some friends early in the year--sushi with Dave, The Aristocrat with Andre, Indian food with Amanda, a play and dinner with Chrissy.

First weekend of January was Gift Card Redemption weekend! First up, Dance Kaleidoscope at the IRT--always entertaining, although this particular program was our least favorite. Next day was a massage at Woodhouse spa, complete with luxuriating in essential oils and fluffy robes. Then a little home furnishing shopping. Then dinner at Season's 52. Then a movie--we saw Creed, which was pretty good--no actually it was really good. Very spirit lifting. Then we saw my friend Tristan direct and star in a local play at IndyFringe theater. 

The next weekend I started another phase of my home improvement projects: my bedroom! I finally made good on a New Year's resolution from 2008 and painted! I had forgotten the trials and tribulations of trying to paint a 15-foot angled ceiling. It took all weekend but I had fun! I even rearranged the furniture and really like the new look. I'm still getting used to the smoky plum walls, but I love the accent walls--aquamarine. 

I went shopping the next week to dress up the walls and reinvent the space, using years-old giftcards. I think it will look great! Once I painted it, I realized that the furniture needed to lose the honey oak color and that the trim would also need to be repainted. Kind of a can of worms, but I'll take it one task at a time until it's done, and then it will be out of style, and I can start all over again.

We saw a friend in a play Becoming Dr. Ruth, which is a great piece on the life Dr. Ruth. Very moving and funny! We went out with Chrissy and some of her friends afterwards at Binkley's. The next night I surprised Larry with tickets to a comedy tour called Sick of Stupid Comedy Tour featuring intelligent, hilarious, and frustrated-with-Conservative-America Southern comedians--Stewart Huff (our friend, actually!), Cliff Cash, and Tom Simmons. It was our first time checking out Morty's Comedy Joint, and the show was hilarious! Just what I needed after a long weekend of painting and cleaning up paint.

The next weekend I decided to tackle the un-honey-oaking of my otherwise beautiful bedroom suite. I chose a white-wash style, which turned out to be harder than it looks, and wound up just painting white with some aquamarine accents. It now looks crisp and clean. And now I notice that the trim and light plate switches must also be updated from cream to white.

We also went to a play at the IRT called The Mystery of Irma Vep, which was really really stupid and was supposed to be but at least was well done stupid. People like Stupid. Theater was packed. 

I haven't done much reading this month, other than tons of magazines and tutorials on DIY projects. I guess that's still learning and reading--and I love it--but next month I really want to get into the great books that Larry got me for Christmas (Go Set a Watchman by Harper Lee, All the Light We Cannot See" by Anthony Doerr) plus all the titles waiting for me on my Kindle.

Things are going well for me. On days when I feel like I might want to be lazy or give into the doldrums or a bit of listlessness, I manage to go for a walk, make some good food, work on some projects, and work-out in my home gym. (I'm holding on to what I learned, Heather!) 

Top Three/Six of 2015

Every year, Larry and I toast the New Year by listing our favorite three things of the previous year.

3. Trip to Detroit
For a few years, Larry has wanted to go back to Detroit, where he grew up, to see a Tigers game and show me around. First we went back in time 100 years to see the homes, labs, studios, and factories of American's greatest scholars, inventors, orators, and composers: Greenfield Village! We booked a room in an old mansion in the famous Brush Park area in downtown Detroit. We went to a Tigers game and stayed for the fireworks. It was fun! The teams played real ball and there was a young dysfunctional couple sitting in front of us, and their various fights, freeze-outs, and make-ups kept me entertained, and frankly, baffled.  The next day we hit the Avalon Bakery, the Detroit Institute of Arts--WOW!, the Detroit Public Library across the street from DIA, then got tickets for a tour of the Motown Museum. This was an emotional, exciting, and moving experience. I have heard that most people from Detroit have never been, and I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Then we headed to Eastern Market. We were broken-hearted to hear that some asshole ("probably some rich white kid from the suburb" the guy who ran the AirBnb on Alfred Street seethed) burned burned Heidelburg Project, a blocks-long living art history museum of Found Art from abandoned Detroit. Okay, it looks like part of it still there. We're going next time! Then we headed to the play "Ernie."  Not a single man had a dry eye. Next day we met my high school friend Darrell and his wife JeDonna for brunch at The Dimestore and checked out the Guardian Building and the Detroit Riverfront. Then we packed up and headed to Pokagon State Park, IN, for some camping.

2. Lucinda Williams concert in Bloomington (June)
I found a place at the stage and danced for five hours straight in heels. Lucinda singled me out of the crowd and jammed with me.

1. Hiking trip to New Brunswick province in Canada and Maine (August/September)
From the surprises of stopping at Niagara Falls along the way (so much more beautiful than I had imagined!) to camping in the quiet wild purity of the Canadian boreal forest to hiking Acadia to the lighthouse/boat tour in the charming city Portland to a surprise visit with my best friend from high school--Jessica--in Syracuse, whom I hadn't seen in at least twenty years.

I had a hard time choosing just three, so I decided on six. Here are the other three:


6. IRT: "What I Learned in Paris" by Pearl Clege (April)
 Hilarious play by an African American playwright, an African American cast, and predominately African American audience who was all decked out in splendid 70s clothes and the VIP party in the cabaret afterwards with the cast, crew, donors, and patrons. There was a live band playing my favorites from the 70s and plenty of champagne and food and lots of dancing. I remember a distinct feeling of being welcomed into a life-loving community.

5. Camping trip to Red River Gorge
We took off early one Friday morning, eating cheese danish and listening to Lucinda and Patti on CD and set up camp by afternoon. Took off on a short hike. Had some issues with making fire. Oh well.

4. Valentine's hike and dinner at Turkey Run (Feburary)
This was a simple and fun and beautiful day/evening with Larry. It was one of those snowy, mild, sunshine-y days, where the white is still fluffy. Hardly anyone was on the trails. We got lost once or twice and had to help each other navigate some icy canyon terrain. We had a typical Indiana dinner at the Inn. It was candlelit and quiet and the fire was toasty. We took a final moonlit walk after dinner. Larry fell down the side of the canyon, but was okay. Before he fell, we admired the moon and the trees and the river and the snow gently falling.

Thank you 2015 for all of your surprises!