The blog title is not a recurring theme of how I've been feeling lately. No, I'm talking about the TV show that was popular last decade. (Yes, last decade!)
I was going to hyperlink, but because the show ended so long ago, the websites will be rife with answers to what actually went down on The Island, and I don't like spoilers.
If you similarly do not like spoilers, you might want to stop reading. I don't really give away much of the plot or what X or Y or Z means. Mostly I talk about characters, some which you might not have met yet if you're only in season 1, 2, or 3. Overall, I'd say it's pretty safe.
Once I was on a flight and happened to glance up at the monitor playing the movie. It was the end credits of Hot Shots: Part Duex (I didn't purchase headphones, go figure), and in between key grip and caterer was this--Secret to The Crying Game: She's a dude. Man that irritated me because I had not yet seen The Crying Game.
I started watching this show on Netflix on the advice of an Israeli man named Noam who stays in my artist's hostel from time to time. I watched it briefly when it first hit the airwaves, but after the discovery of "the hatch," I felt that the writers and producers were just stringing us along on a flimsy science fiction plot that would never really be completely revealed. (Incidentally, I am now into the last season, and I still somewhat stand by that claim. Hmphh.) Noam, however, thought the show was actually about relationships, and based on that observation, I decided to give the show another shot.
I watch it almost daily as I put the miles on my indoor trainer bike (okay, I just embellished. It's simply a stationary bike!) in my performance salon-turned-home-gym.
I actually enjoy watching the show. Sometimes, it's a really good show, and sometimes I just really enjoy making fun of it, and I thought I'd write about that today just for the hell of it.
Plot. We have an airliner that has crashed en route from Sydney to L.A. onto an uncharted island. The survivors quickly learn that there are other people on this island; people who are not exactly hospitable.
Characters. Wow, there are some fantastic characters on this show!
My favorite is probably Sawyer, and not just because he is easy on the eyes, and not because I particularly admire his character. For pure character, he is pretty damn entertaining! Man, that guy can be down right nasty white trash and yet hilarious, and despite his overwhelming attitude of me-first, people seem to sense the potential in him and often follow him around like lost puppy dogs, which by the way gets on his last nerve. Can't a man ever be alone, for crap's sake? I especially enjoy the nick names he comes up with. He is truly LOL.
I also love Hurley. Truth is, I kind of want to be Hurley. Fonzie has nothing on Hurley. Have you ever met a cooler cat than Hurley? And to top it off he is kind and compassionate, and although he lacks self esteem most likely due to being obese, when he feels convicted about something, nothing can deter him! And his colorful language! In one episode when someone tricked him and he realized it, his response was, "Dude, you just totally Scooby-Doo'd me." I also love it that whenever he's driving the VW or his dad's junker Chevelle (or whatever it was), the song "Shambayla" by Three Dog Night is playing. Oh, and there's his hair. He's curly like me, and curly heads stick together, because it's a straight world we live in people. The world don't like curlz. Screw you world, and your boring straight ways! (In more ways than one!) And I love every scene that features him zoning out listening to his...is that a WalkMan or something? Was this show truly created before iPods?! Either way, some great tunes coming through those headphones!
Locke: What an intriguing character. He seems a natural born Eagle Scout or Navy SEAL, and yet when he crashed on the island, he was confined to a wheel chair. Although not large in stature, he is unflappable and answers to no one except to his own faith (in what exactly we are not sure), which constantly befuddles him. His anguish at trying to learn his purpose is so thick, you could cut it one of his many knives that he brought on his ill-fated walkabout. The flashbacks to his life at home with Helen and his father are also especially moving.
But, correct me if I'm wrong. In the first few episodes, wasn't Helen merely the voice of a phone sex operator? Do the writers really think we're not paying attention? All of a sudden she becomes his fiance. Okay, I hate it when writers do that. Just change things up completely as if we would never notice. Hey, writers. I understand that sometimes plot lines change, but if you change a back story, then you damn well have some 'splaining to do, because if you don't, it will continue to distract us, and we won't feel as if we can trust you. Stop that shit now. Stop being lazy.
Jack: There's never any glory in being the straight character--and yet in comedy in particular (which Lost is not) it's the straight character that makes the comedy work. In a sea of "characters" we have Jack. He is even-tempered almost all of the time, and in rare instances, he lets you see that something is boiling beneath the surface. The actor portraying him does a fantastic turn as this character, the anthithesis of Sawyer. My favorite scenes are when he does not fall for Kate's bullshit for one second (and she does the hurt pouty-faced thing) or when he is odds at with Locke or when he is simply caring for someone who has been injured. His is definitely a character that grows on you, and I might add, he was brilliantly conceived in all his understated glory. Way to go whoever you are, actor!
Sayid: Oh, I'd be fine if Sayid were featured in every scene. Previously a military interrogator for the Iraqi Republican Guard, we have a man who is an expert in reading people and is also the ultimate fighting machine who can break your neck with his ankles. But you get the feeling that he wants to put that fighting behind him to become a lover, not a fighter. Okay, his arms and shoulders. I could just stare all day. And again! Curly hair rules!!!! I really like the scenes back to the early days of the Iraqi war, because I was there! Of course, it's probably not very accurate (Hollywood never gets the military or wars right), but it brings back some memories and lets me see things from a different point of view.
Charlie: Our ne'er do well heroin addict/rock star who is weak in so many ways, except when he loves. I enjoy Charlie's scenes. His interactions with Locke, who is helping him with his addictions, are fraught with tension and yet play out so hopeful when he's doing well. The character has some serious flaws, such as constantly feeling slighted, and the writers did a good job working that weakness into some story lines. Over the seasons, you get to see his character evolve into someone that he himself can be proud of, so that part is very satisfying.
BUT, can we talk about so-called band Drive Shaft? Okay, if you're going to have a character who is the lead singer of a band that is as big as AC/DC, then could you not rustle up an up-and-coming band to get some decent songs? It seems Driveshaft has only one song "You All, Everybody" (what does that mean?), and it sucks! Bad job writers/producers, bad job! Shame on you.
And now for the characters I don't care about, dislike, and down right hate. Unfortunately, most of them are most of the women characters, so again, shame on you writers!
Neutral: Sun and Jin. Their back story is pretty good. He's some kind of mafia guy controlled by her rich father. He is often portrayed as simple--not stupid but rather just someone who minds his business and catches fish. Except when he's being all old-school Korean and castigating Sun for having the top button of her sweater unbuttoned. Might be a Korean thing. Sometime I'll write about the ridiculous double standards I witnessed while in Korea and Thailand.
But. Their accents. Their dialog (not their fault--again writers, bad job, BAD job!). Okay, so she learns English from a learned friend back home whom she also seems to sleep with even though he seems quite gay, but she can never converse in English outside of these weekly trysts, and she keeps it a secret from her husband. That is, until they crash, and someone catches her understanding English, and he retaliates by leaving her. Then she speaks English all the time, even making jokes, using sarcasm, and most annoying--idioms! Native speakers use idioms, not ESL students. Also, she sometimes speaks with an accent and sometimes she doesn't. Now later in the series, Jin somehow learns English while on an overnight boat ride, and similarly uses idioms, all the while trying to look as if he can barely form the words.
Sun's Garden: Just off the beach, Sun has planted a vegetable and herb garden. How does this garden grow in sand? Where did she get seeds? Where did she get a ho and other instruments with which to till the ground? And, finally, the even the quickest growing plant require about 45 days to produce, yet she somehow has a bounty of food just days after arriving. I also especially love her gardening pants: they're white. I know that I always throw on my pretty white dress pants when I garden.
Neutral: Claire. Merely stating her name is about as good as describing her character. She's pretty and sweet and blonde and has the type of pregnancy that exists only on tv: perfect body with a cute little basketball for a tummy. Yes, that's how pregnancy actually looks. Other women who become bloated or gain weight anywhere are freaks.
Neutral/borderline dislike: Boone. Incest is best, I guess. Dumb story line. I'm not sorry they killed off this annoying do-gooder.
Now for the category of Can't Stand Ya!!!
Shannon: aka pouty lips. How many outfits does this girl have? She just happened to find her suitcase among the wreckage and fire, and she changes her clothes every day, sometimes two or three times per day, and also puts on lipstick and eyeliner, and her hair is never ever tangled. Her white and pink clothing never gets dirty, and she never sweats. Right before they kill her off the show for being such a miserable bitch, they decide to try to make the audience like her by having Sayid somehow fall in love with her. This is extremely puzzling as Sayid's who raison d' etre is to get back to his beloved Nadia, and after just one outing with Shannon, he falls madly in love with her.
And now drum roll please for the character I hate so much that it's not even fun to hate her:
Kate: Kate, it's not your fault. Again, it's the writers! You are actually a decent actress, but you are playing the wrong character. Actually that thing you're playing is two or three characters, none of which are believable. (Are you a bitch on the set, and the writers get back at you by making you so utterly unbelievable that people can't help but hate you?) And the funny thing is that she is supposed to be one of the good guys, one of the leaders.
Question: how many people has Kate killed back home and over the stupidest reasons?!! I'm counting four or five. First her step dad. For some stupid reason, she decided to blow up his house because the guy used to beat up her mother like twenty years ago! Okay, so revenge is a dish best served cold, but it doesn't taste so good from a maximum security penitentiary.
After this revelation, her flashbacks get pretty sketchy and really outlandish. She likes some boy when they are in middle school, you know, a boy from the right side of the tracks, and he gives her tiny toy airplane for some reason. They remain romantically entangled as they grow up, and we are to believe that she is a bad seed, but Kate, you just can't pull off the bad seed. It's pathetic. Why is she such a bad seed? Why is she constantly being chased down by "the authorities," and why does she always choose to kill whoever is in her exit path? The worst was the bank heist in which she shot a guy ostensibly to get to a safe deposit box that for some stupid reason contained that stupid toy airplane. No, you don't murder people for things like that. If you do, you're a psychopath, not a romantic lead in a show who sports cute little freckles.
Other things that are not your fault: Why are you constantly featured in trees, clinging precariously to branches? Are the branches kind of like how rock star videos like to feature girls with giant snakes? Are the writers afraid that for one second we might forget that you are a total bad ass who can wrap her legs around large trunks but also shoot you or punch you in the face but that you are also this way because you loved so deeply--that's what caused it all!
WOMEN on the show: Bad writers, bad writers. The women are depicted in one of two ways: Pretty, clean, and kinda timid, but mostly really pretty and really clean, even though they are stranded on an island with no showers or electricity or mirrors, and usually blonde. OR they are dark complected and their response to everything is to haul off and smack someone twice their size in the face or, in Kate's case, simply run them over with a vehicle, blow them up, or open fire on them. The dumb writers try to walk a fine line with Kate--is she an angel or is she the devil? Neither--she is the ridiculous embodiment of a really stupid Eagles song that was not meant to be played out on a television serial over six seasons.
On the island, Kate is in quite the pickle. In addition to being stranded, she is not sure she wants to be rescued, because if she is, she will go to prison, WHICH IS WHERE SHE BELONGS, btw, for all the murdering and such back on her home tur. As if that weren't enough, she is involved in a pretty intense love triangle between Jack and Sawyer. She wants to be a good girl and be a good wife with good guy Jack. But that Sawyer is a such a sexy con artist, and Kate is also a very bad seed, and maybe she deserves bad because she is bad, and not to mention damn he must be good in bed cuz look at him!
As far as dirt: Kate is sometimes smudged and sometimes has a little sweat bead but only across her breasts, where it is sexy, never under her pits which is far more realistic. She is often bloodied from constantly fighting but is somehow always cleaned up in the next scene.
Russo: Crazy dark complected French bitch who likes to haul off and smack people in the face. Has not spoken to anyone in sixteen years, and yet commands brilliant use of her second language, English.
Ana Garcia: Crazy dark complected Hispanic bitch who LOVES to haul off and smack men three times her size. I do like the cut of her jeans, however, and kind of like the character. At least in her life back home she is an L.A. cop so she should have reason to have command of weapons.
Whoever that woman is from Ajira flight who seduced Sayid in a hotel room and then, you guessed it, hauled off and smacked him, rendering him unconscious. And guess what? She is a dark complected bitch who seems with a faint, dubious accent, I suppose to create intrigue. Because indiscernible accents are intriguing.
Parachuting chick from Manchester: Dark complected British woman of African descent who bosses, bullies, and you guessed it, hauls off and smacks people upside the face.
Juliette: A real bitch in the beginning. But just to prove to us that they see woman as more than two sides of a coin, the writers got a little cray-cray, and made Juliette a crazy bitch who loves to haul off and smack people EXCEPT the bitch be blonde! Whoa! Topsy turvy rollercoaster! Those are some clever writers!
Other characters I loathe:
Shovels, Guns, Tarps
I decided to make them characters because they are featured so prominently. I have taken hundreds of flights in my life and used to be employed in the aircraft maintenance sector...and did you know that contrary to popular belief, most airlines do not pack tons of shovels, tarps and guns because that would be really unnecessary weight. and weight is fuel, and fuel is money?
The camp ground of the survivors really is comical. Where did they get all that shit? How did they carve all that bamboo into tent poles on to which they fastened those dozens of extra tarps? Do you have any idea how hard bamboo is? You need a saw. Oh, don't worry. The airplane had a bunch of saws.
And no matter what precarious situation this band of survivors get themselves into, one thing is for certain. Ammo and guns grow on trees. And if they get shot, luckily the bullets only graze them.
The Good, the stuff I'd like to see more of:
The Dharma Initiative!
I want more of this, especially in the 70s. A bunch of scientists in the 70s try to create a perfect world on an uninhabited island. They build an underworld city of the most sophisticated technology (yet live in tract housing) , and are somehow delivered mysterious generic food, and they have electricity, and they never run out of this stuff, ever. EVER.
You hear about the ideals of the 70s and how devout believers got tricked into joining cults, and you get the feeling that's what the Dharma Initiative devolved into...but they never really cover that part.
(Also, what happened to cults? Did they ever really exist or was it just crazy humans not taking responsibility for their actions?)
Desmond. Just because he's awesome and he's handsome, "brother."
Stuff I could do without:
BESIDES Bitches going ballistic all the time.
Season 6 feels like Star Wars!
Guess what?
Good vs Evil is done played out! So is Star Wars!
I am one of the highly unusual people in life who saw Star Wars at a young age, and then went on with my life.
From what I've heard, the ending of the show left a lot to be desired. I still have about 15 more episodes, but this does not surprise me at all. The show goes out of its way to be bizarre and full of coincidences that are never explained.
The hatch for example. The world did not end, and twice that sucker blew up. What is the point? And are they going to explain the numbers? And did the writers think we were so stupid that we did not notice the numbers in the cave and on the gears of the lighthouse?
But mostly the food. Who is delivering that food, all those Apollo bars and Dharma peanut butter if the Dharma Initiative went kaput like a decade or two ago and not to mention that no one outside of the island knows where the island is?
Coincidence.
This is a pretty big island. It takes hours or days to get to various locations. And yet, every time the group breaks up into smaller groups to go their separate ways, they always literally bump into someone, usually when they are about to get blown away by the others or fall into trap, then bam, whoa, look Kate is here! She just happened to be way up in that yonder tree! Good thing for you she is packing and is an expert marksman.
"Shambala" by Three Dog Night, man!
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